Monday, September 29, 2008

I Know I Got Dat Death Threat

True Story Real Life Time! (On the Internet, though, so I don't consider it 100% real. If something "happens" to you on the Internet, does that even count? Ponder this, children.)

As I checked my myspace page for breast cancer today, I saw that I got a new friend request. This has been happening a little too much lately since I changed my status from "married" to "single" (That's right ladies, I'm all yours. Smell my musks, sugar-goblins). I go to the friend request screen and see this:

Fuck yeah!!! My very first online death threat! It's about motherfuckin' time!

But, I have a few questions for Mr. DAT MONEY.
1. You're calling me a racist, and telling me I'm going to get shot up, but you want to be my myspace friend? Are you going to shoot me and then nurse me back to health in a gazebo like a little duckling, thus ensuring a lifelong friendship? Will you send me an event invitation for this?

2. Are you being serious or is this a ha ha funny, spook the cracker type prank? Shit, sorry about the word spook. Also, is your threat of me getting shot up personal, or more like a general warning that someday, somebody will shoot me?

3. What's your criteria for deciding who is a "racist nigga"? And since I qualify, what do I win? Do I have to register?

...I wanted to know more about the man and his claim, so I put on my detective hat and got busy deducing truths from the clues Mr. DAT MONEY left behind. His digital footprint helped me solve the case and it goes like this...

I checked the location on his myspace page, which is Teaneck, New Jersey.
HAW HAW! Tea-neck!

Then I checked my Sitemeter, which tracks the cities of people visiting this here blog, among other things. Got a hit from Elmwood Park, New Jersey. This is very near Teaneck. We have a winner.

I investigated further to see how he came across this site. It seems that he was searching google for Radio Raheem, the beloved character from Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing. It's one of my favorite movies, and deservedly so. If you haven't seen it, go see it now.

Radio Raheem
splainin' love and hate.

I did a post a while back entitled "I Killed Radio Raheem". It's a true story about how I had to kill a sick bird, who I dubbed Radio Raheem. Why? Because this is primarily a humor blog and I wanted to cut the tragedy with jokey jokes. Anyway, people searching for "Radio Raheem" will see that post listed in the results, including 18 year old death threat enthusiasts, apparently. Here's Mr. DAT MONEY's page.

I mean, just check out this wondrous sentence in his "about me" section.

"My sneakerz are HOTT and can't nobody touch me on my sneaker game."

Oh yeah? Well, I challenge you to a sneak-off, chunk cunt! First prize is this llama/alpaca.

I'm prepared to ride that baby off into the sunset, so you better practice your sneaker game, because I'm gonna touch 'em. I'm gonna touch the shit out of 'em, and I'm not scared of getting shot at. I've been shot and stabbed too many times to count, so I doubt one more bullet will make any difference. Go ahead and try to make me a ghost, I dare you.

Here's s'more Spike Lee "fuck you" racism montage work. Makes me want to get off the couch and actually edit something.

Precursor to this amazing scene in 25th Hour.

Seriously though, if you don't get the shit I do on this blog, you might see "I Killed Radio Raheem" and come to a number of conclusions. I came to a few conclusions after seeing Mr. DAT MONEY's myspace page, too. But I don't tell people that they will be full of bullets. That's just stupid and could easily get him into trouble if I were to report it. But I won't. The kid just seems misinformed and macho, an elegant combination. What do you think?

No comments: