Letters From an Afflicted Admirer : Part 2

I introduced a weirdo the other day. Troubled Tony. He messaged my friend Kellie via myspace, and the things he wrote were like malignant drips of sap from the madness tree.

Here's another unedited (except the name) message...


Date: Jan 20, 2008 6:49 PM

Subject: RE: shrak vs. tomatoe

Hey,
It's too bad that I cre ep you out a little. It's too bad that I can't come over right now to fly kites with you instead of writing these retarded messages. I creep out a lot of people including myself. I can easily be so much creepier. I'm not that creepy. I can be pretty charming also.

Sometimes I just don't use much tact.

Because I know your a bit crazy; I thought that maybe you would succumb to my crazy wild desires. I really only wanted to try and be friends. But then I was thinking that if you were single, maybe we could try to be something more. Because I would really like a serious long term sort of or forever type of girlfriend or a very special temporary short term girlfriend.

But I don't want just anyone, I only want someone who is perfect. Like you. I think your perfect because you write the best poetry, your a talented artist, the way you see the world I find so intriguing, and your the most beautiful creature I've ever seen practically I think. With out a doubt actually because you always have the best hair and complexion and make up. Inside and outside I think you are quite special. It feels good to be desired. So I hope your flattered at least. And not disgusted.

I do really like you. I think that it's fine. I'll find someone to fly kites with sometime. Usually, lately 2 to 4 girls a week ask me for my phone number. I usually don't ask them for theirs though. I haven't found any that I am really about but I'm sure eventually I will. A swimsuit model was calling me a lot even. But then she left the country and I don't think she's back yet. So, I am sort of struggling for girls at the moment because I just can't seem to find one that is good for me. But I'm not too worried. I'm just getting so bored. Sorry for sending you such odd requests and messages. And for rambling.

I hope we can still talk sometime in the far future. Maybe someday we can fly a kite together or something. I wont mail you anything though. Because I don't want to be creepy. And I doubt that when ever I feel like communicating with you that I would be sane. I just can't see into the future that far. And I'm usually perceived as the opposite of sane in reality and writing. At least I'm not violent. So what evers good. I hope your well.

With utmost courtesy and respect,
Troubled Tony


..."At least I'm not violent."

Great line, pity boner. If you have to assure somebody that you're not crazy, you're probably crazy.

And why don't you string together a paragraph that doesn't contradict itself in frightening ways while you're at it? That's my rhetorical question to you, Troubled Tony.



....That's all I got this week, because I'll be in Miami till Sunday.

Perhaps Monty has something cooking on his sticky stove to feed y'all while I'm gone.

Smell ya next week, zap flaps!

Letters From an Afflicted Admirer : Part 1

During my visit to Grand Rapids, Kellie showed me some creepy messages she received on myspace from a suitor who isn't suited for social interaction. Let's call him Troubled Tony, so as not to, uh, embarrass him further.

She received about 6 of them and replied only to the first one. The first one isn't that bad. The rest of them are. He must've thought that he was making progress, and therefore could reveal his inner feelings. His feelings are wrong.

I've met this guy a couple of times, and was startled by the level of casual dementia he exhibited.

Here is the 4th message, selected as an introduction to the madness. It's amazing.

I'm not joking. This is real. And unedited.

Here she is...



Date: Jan 12, 2008 6:03 PM

Subject: shrak vs. tomatoe

Body:
Hey, I think I want you to move to Wisconsin with me when I get back from Belgium if I go. Because your pretty fantastic. I'm going to build a farm there and underground bases on about 30 acres of land that I have. Then we have 5 acres here in Illinois to build on also. I'll get more eventually.
I might apprentice for an innovator in greenhouse technology. I go to lectures on farming. I already know what I'm going to build. Poured concrete and Dome structures with greenroofs and fish ponds. I want to be able to grow year long without the use of the sun. And outside with the sun. My domes will look like burial mounds! I talk to a lot of consultants about engineering, farming, and energy. I read.
You should come hang out with me. But you might not want to because I might be insane. And you don't know me that well.
I might have trouble communicating. But not really.
I just like the pictures you put in your general pane.
Yesterday my dad got me 192 cans of spray paint. He supports my graffiti now. It was $521.00. The most I ever spent on spray paint in one day. I got it from Arnie, he's our friend. A media consultant who owns TV production companies and produced my dads public access cable TV show. He also owns a paint distribution warehouse. He got me a job to animate a TV commercial for Amtrak. I'll get more TV jobs. I'm using the spray paint to make a mural in my little brothers new Dojo. (Martial Arts School)
Houston Alexander The Nebraskan Assasin (MMA UFC Fighter) is also going to paint something because he's a writer. But I'm OK with that. If it's wac I'll go over him.
I should probably move back to Hollywood where I know many good people and could get a good job but I'm going to try this farming thing first because there is a food crisis going on. And I will have time to build 3D models and work on my demo reel. Still. I'll go back to Hollywood soon enough. Now I need to learn more.
I am so bored.
You should come over and watch documentaries with me. Then maybe we could go bike riding or something? Please. Im so bored! I could die.
I'm suffering.
I hope your well!
Much love,
Troubled Tony



...Yeah, nothing wrong here.

My favorite part is when he breaks down and lays down some truth...

"You should come hang out with me. But you might not want to because I might be insane. And you don't know me that well. I might have trouble communicating. But not really."

These letters are gold!

Thank you, Kellie, for giving me permission to put out these hissing dispatches. And for the hospitality. Ben, too.

More to come, pilgrims!