Teriyaki Laffy Taffy

Carl Winslow's Corner: Vision Quest

Hey gang! It's your old friend and comrade, Carl Winslow, back for more amazing adventures inside my vortex of throbbing misery.



Native Americans have strong traditions regarding vision quests. Wandering about the forest in a drug-induced, dehydrated state forces you to confront your innermost fears. And if you are strong enough, you will summon the courage to conquer those horrors, proving your worthiness to the tribe.

That's all well and good for them, but how's old Carl gonna get in on that action? If they get respect from the community by going insane, why can't I? I knew the answer as soon as I posed it to my brain box, my friends... I must get high on exhaust fumes to prove my worth, Injun-style.




Oh, goodness! What a world it has opened up, my children. I've been delirious and unstable for years, but this puts the frosting on the coffin. Fumes have given me powers. I wander the sewers, talking to rats. I give them milk in exchange for their secrets. Now I know where all the best garbage is.



I can control birds with various amulets. My arms play the drums while my legs play soccer. I can write a thank you card to a sailor while stabbing him in the arm-pit with a sharpened paper towel! Multiple tasks, infinite possibilities, and I'm never gonna ever gonna be stuck inside an igloo ever again. Dinosaur sex!



My vision quest has just begun. I must fly away to distant lands and procure meat from the elder owls. Wish me luck on my journey.
Hoooooooooo!

French Pinch of Ball Hair

I don't know how many of you have seen this, but I just did, and felt the need to share. Consider my wig flipped.

Italian Fresh Prince theme song




Oh, the gods have showered us with resplendent poppycock. And an excessive amount of yelps.

Ol' Dirty Bastard Sex Tips

Yeah, guess who's back on the internet now? Motherfucker, me! I'm all up in your sites.

Got to thinking about my mentor, ODB. He imparted some wisdom to me before he died. Essentially, he wanted me to know the way to live a happy life, free from the constraint of sanity. No rules, speak your mind, act upon your thoughts, pee everywhere, stop time, and break old people's spirits.

But his most important lessons, the emphasis of his Super Thigh Squaw Theory, contains the truths discovered during his many years of sexual combat. This tome is not meant for the uninitiated, as its powers have the tendency to overwhelm novice cocksmen. Use these nuggets at your own risk.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Ol' Dirty Bastard, and his lyrics from the songs "Dog Shit", "Maria", "Stomp", "Lift Yah Skirt", "Dirty Dirty", and "Pussy Keep Calling".


Darker is better, cuz the dick's well done
Be a good girl, let you taste where I'm from
Baby, I'm the man, with the frame, well hung



Touch your toes, show me that rose
Butt naked, in a Wu-Tang pose



Callin' me a dog, well leave a dog alone
Cause nothin' can stop me from buryin' my bone



That pussy there, couldn't satisfy a hair on my body,
treat me like a lolli and slob me down
*SLURP, SLURP* I'm Doo Doo Brown!



I'm up my jacuzzi, peepin' this smoothie
My bitch is a floozy, Dirt Dog ain't choosy



Cock strong dick diesel, when I stand like an easel
Come sit on Mini Me, and put a smile on Dr. Evil



Touch me, girl, where I want to me touched
Don't ever complain, gotcha in a cobra clutch
Love me tender, love me sweet
I wanna bust this nut in a super freak



Old man McGirt, lookin' under your skirt
Fucked the pussy til' it's orange, like Ernie and Bert



Have you ever ever ever
In your long legged life
Had a bald headed bitch
For your bald headed wife?



Hate me dog, cuz I ate your cat
And you can eat my ass and have a Coke with that
Use a spoon, unless you want a fork
Pull my dick out, watch the room get dark



I wanna.. help me put these bitches in my trance
I want y'all to suck my lizard
You bitches wanna fuck me when you smell my under-arm




This concludes today's lesson.

Groin Coins

Here I sit in Monty's Baseball Living Room, using his internet. My internet has been down for 3 days now, which explains the lack of postage.



It's been really nice at my place without internet access. I'm doing things called reading and watching movies. It's been relaxing. I've rediscovered the ability to charm my penis.




Re-watched one of my favorite movies today, Searching for the Wrong Eyed Jesus. Not that anybody listens to me, but it's worth checking out.

Here's a short story, quoted from the film:

"We were riding fast. Night time. We were high as hell. Earl was riding on the hood with a hatchet in his hand, in case he saw the warlocks. And a tree was coming up with a low overhang, and he swung that axe at the limb. Big, live oak limb. And the axe hung. And Earl just disappeared off the hood, cause we were going 30 miles an hour when he did it. (laughs). And it looked like the warlocks got him.

Turns out he was just so high and so drunk that he had held on to the, uh, axe handle. And it had pulled him off. He was laying in the middle of the road just laughing like hell. Most people it would've killed, but he was one of them tough, insane Louisiana...people. I guess he's either dead or in prison now. He's one of those types. Probably grew up in a nice little house like that one right there. Broke his mama's heart."

Bueno.

Local Woman Wields Samurai Sword, Gets Her Groove Back

Woke up today to a Headline News story about a woman in Indiana who drew a sword on her neighbor's abusive boyfriend.

"I said hit her again, bitch, you're mine!"

Pssssst! Hey, Jesse Jackson!

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ANTI-SEMITIC PIECE OF RANCID LABIA MEAT!

Here's what he said. He essentially inferred that Barack Obama would change U.S. policy on Israel, ridding the United States from years of "Zionist" control. What a mensch, that Mr. Jackson is.



Do you know how easy it is to scare old Jewish people? Just go to a Jewish retirement home, and tell a group of them that you'd like to take them on a magical train ride. See how they react.

These people are the most paranoid, read between the lines conspiracy theorists out there. And like a lot of old people in America, they are stubborn and a little racist. Give them half a reason to be scared and they will be. Black guy? Rumors that he's a Muslim? Ahhhh!!! All Bubbies report to the bomb shelter!!!

If you put a newspaper in front of them with the headline "Free Money for All Seniors" across the top, they'd say, "Bullshit! Those Palestinians and Germans don't have me fooled. The money is poisoned somehow. And these bagels are lousy! Marry a nice Jewish girl already so you can be like us... miserable."

Any waves you make regarding Israel, real or fake, will set off their Hebrometers. Florida is a swing state filled to capacity with old Jews. Why would you want to hand that state over to McCain because of rumors, rather than help a fellow black man who shares a lot of your political viewpoints, Mr. Jackson? Go push a rainbow, asshole.

But there is an outside chance that he did not actually say the remarks attributed to him. It was the New York Post that quoted Jackson. Not a very reputable newspaper, and very right wing (notice the Jewish conspiracy gene working). But Jesse Jackson isn't exactly a person who should get the benefit of the doubt, as he has a history of insensitive remarks against Jews :


Also this. Remember when he said that he wanted to cut Obama's nuts off? Class-act. The Obama camp didn't ask Jackson for help with their campaign, therefore he chooses to act like a spiteful child who was denied a fucking Bomb Pop.




And who could forget that in 1984, he referred to New York City as "Hymie-town". Hymie being a derogatory term for a Jew. It's derived from the stereotypical Jewish name Hyman (originally Chaim), commonly shortened to Hymie. You might remember the fictional Jewish gangster Hyman Roth from Godfather II. The slur Hymie shares its origin with the Irish Mick or Paddy, all of which descend from popular names.


So, Reverend Jesse Jackson. It's time for you to stop talking. Take a vow of silence, write a book, or eat some yogurt while taking a bath. Just go away for a few weeks, because old Jews don't need to be frightened any more than they are already. That shit trickles down to their grandkids, including me, who are exposed to enough shame and fear as it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my hands full at the moment. I'm building a car that runs on Jewish guilt. An endless, renewable energy.

Shalom, bitch.