8 of My Favorite Jokes

What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.





How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
He yawns and says he's tired.




How many Hindus can you fit in a BMW?
5.





Three men walk into a bar. They're alcoholics.





How do you keep your wife from reading your e-mails?
Ask her nicely.





How come black people are so good at basketball?
Because they practice.





What do you call a Japanese man with arthritis?
Jason.




What's the difference between a Jew and a sausage?
One is food and the other is someone who believes in Judaism.

How to Lose 5 Pounds of Superstition

Religion baffles me. As a child, I would ask the Hebrew school teacher questions like, “How exactly do we know that this Noah’s Ark story is true?” and “Why does god need to be praised constantly? Does the lord not know that I’m on his side? Even my mom knows that I love her and I’m a complete prick. Yesterday, I spit milk into the dryer and hissed at her, but we’re still cool. Explain that, Mrs. Pearlman. With your precious Torah.”

In conclusion: I am an asshole, ignorant of faith.

(via Tessa Farmer)

Federico Lombardi, Your Table is Ready

Israel is dropping bombs on the Gaza Strip right now. They're targeting Hamas and Palestinian militants who've been shooting rockets into Israel from Gaza.

This was so inevitable, and not surprising at all. And that's what's fucked up. Of course some Palestinians were going to fuck with Israel, and of course Israel would push back, hard. It's the same game they've been playing for decades. Both are belligerents. Both play the victim. And now the third intifada, or uprising, is likely to begin. It's not going to be the last one, either.


Hey! Intifadas for everybody, on the house!



I'd rather not be a fatalist. I'd like to believe that there could be some sort of tolerance, not friendliness or drum circle love-ins, but tolerance between Israelis and Palestinians. But until the pricks who are firing stray rockets into Israel stop what they're doing (which is not likely), and Israel stops overreacting with its superior military (which is not likely), there will always be bloodshed, paranoia, and finger-pointing.

Part of my family has a trip to Israel planned for March. That's probably not gonna happen now. It's pretty minor, considering how many people have been killed, but still. Why they gotta fuck with my bubbie's last trip to Israel?

And the most well thought out statement concerning this mess? It came from the Vatican. The fucking Vatican!


Reverend Federico Lombardi, a Vatican spokesman had this to say about the conflict:

"Hamas is a prisoner to a logic of hate, Israel to a logic of faith in force as the best response to hate. One must continue to search for a different way out, even if that may seem impossible."

Amen.

Guilt Trippin'

Holy shit! I got a burnt by a shame thrower yesterday. Bad.

I was planning on visiting my friend Kellie in Grand Rapids yesterday.

(Lee and Kellie, lookin' all grown up, and slightly deranged)


I canceled via email in the wee morning hours, like a yellow bellied scoundrel. My reasoning was simple: (Arctic cold snap + snow+ icy roads) = difficult travels. I knew it was a pussy excuse, but it seemed rational at the time.

I must've poked a dog in the eye on this one.

When I woke up, I was feeling much better than the night before. Until I opened an email from Kellie. Now, Kellie is neither a Jew nor a mother, but I'll be damned if she didn't secretly train at a Jewish Mother academy. Oy! She pushed the guilt button hard enough to transport me into another dimension. A dimension filled to capacity with chili mac.



Usually, getting me to change my mind is like trying to push a wet rope up a hill. But when a friend says that they're disappointed in me, bought stomach friendly food for me, got hockey tickets (!) for me, stresses how important it is to spend time with the people you care about, and hopelessly sighs via email? Well, this man has a shame limit. And if the shame is valid, I change my tune and rectify my wrong.

So I'm off to visit Kellie today, like I should have done yesterday. I got called out, and now I'm making it right.

And to those who would try to exploit my shame bone, now that the secret is out, you should know something. Guilt trippin' only works on me once a year, per person, and that person has to be a good friend. A person I have farted loudly in front of...see you soon, Kellie!

Stranger Danger

I was watching The Strangers yesterday, and was I was all, "Where's Balki and Cousin Larry? This isn't what I ordered. You're not my pretty butterfly. Are you my pretty butterfly? No!"




I made my own version of The Strangers and sent it to director Bryan Bertino, who should spell his name Brian like the rest of us. So far, he hasn't returned my calls. I did a mock up poster and everything. I wonder why he hasn't gotten back to me?

(original poster here)


My version would be way cooler. And funnier. Two Jews and a black TV cop from the early 90's? Box office gold.


But I guess there's no use fixin' what ain't broke. The Strangers is a damn fine movie. I felt vulnerable and tense throughout my viewing. Word of advice: If you plan on watching it alone at 2am in complete silence, have a hatchet nearby. For safety swingin'. You're gonna need something to feel more protected. I wanted to buy a gun after watching it...

And that is why I recommend The Strangers.

Smell ya later.

Fantastic Voyage to Bummer Town

True/personal story and depressed misanthropic rant time! This type of post shall hereby be called Tales From the Nest of Grump, or just The Nest of Grump. I haven't decided yet.

I'm gonna try to write what I'm feeling as I feel it because I'm losing it fast. I'm a moody fucker and I never know when I might lose my nerve and let my thoughts fade into the night unreported. But I'm in a peculiar way right now, and I sense that I really need to write what's inside my head, however fleeting the sentiment is.

I saw AA Bondy tonight. Just him, his guitar, and his harmonica. It was one of the most intimate and memorable performances I've ever witnessed. He just poured his heart out and was completely humble and gracious. In my opinion, talent and modesty are the best traits one can possess. Here he is, doing his thing backstage in Nashville, again.

Anagrams!

Anagrams are words with the letters switched around to make new words, you fucking idiot! Whoa...I'm sorry. I flew off the handle there and I apologize. Let's start again.

I've chosen to rearrange celebrity names as an excuse to find their most unflattering pictures, and bask in some absurd word combinations. Let's do this shit!


(Better get used to this photo, folks. It's my favorite thing in the world right now. You'll be seeing it again, soon)

Mike Tyson
ink my toes
kite, my son
tiny smoke




Vladimir Putin
invalid rum pit
mini drip vault




Hulk Hogan
honk laugh
Ghoul Khan
klan hug, ho!




Quentin Tarantino
non-tit quarantine




Lou Reed
dour eel
ole rude

side note: Look at Lou Reed. This is how a Jew ages. Apparently, when God was making the chosen people, he forgot to check the "age gracefully" box. This is what I have to look forward to? Oy vey!



David Letterman
Milt, Dad Veteran
damn tater devil!




Fidel Castro
idle sac fort
steroid calf
slit rod face




Sarah Palin
I, nasal harp
Rash Lip Ana




Marlon Brando
lard born moan
bad nor normal




Anthony Hopkins
yank this phonon
phony honk stain
oh, thy napkin son

Gripes and Gifs, Please

Kvetching is a Jewish style of complaining that takes years of studying to perfect. Email me at shitforbrians@yahoo.com for lessons. It's $15/hr to watch me complain in a bathrobe. $25/hr for naked complaining. Bring towels.

(a few hours passed by between the time I wrote the first and the subsequent paragraph)

I was going to eloquently explain how much my day sucked, but who really cares? I had a panic attack at the dentist as he was drilling my face, jammed my finger under an air conditioner, had too little sleep, got a headache, a parking ticket, and lost $50 at a casino. That's what happened. But you know what? All of these things were my own damn fault. So I'm calling bullshit on myself for feeling like crap when I had the time to adequately prepare myself to face each bit of stress that blew my way. Story of my fucking life. Fuck it, here's some gnarly GIF's. And it's $30/hr for self-hatred lessons.

(These might take a few moments to load... Did you know that GIF is an acronym for Gary's innocent feelings? It's a fact.)








One of my all time favorites






There are rumors that there will be an Arrested Development movie sometime in the near future. I pray to jungle king Nicholas Cage that this is true.



Beaver Bounce!



Japanese sensation Hard Gay, Hooooooooo!

Watch Hard Gay here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NojM3BGMONM














Why does he need those earmuffs? His ear canals are completely fused together with Handi Snack cheese, rendering any further protection useless... Logical and mean-spirited arguments are my forte.












I went to the grocery store and saw a guy disappear by the bread. Zap!












Rats are inmates that snitch on or steal from other inmates. Mr. Belvedere should know better.



I'm really glad that my penis is circumcised. You should be more appreciative of my circumcised penis, gliding through the pines like a flying squirrel. Pines and penis share the same letters... I'm a crepe.





Wouldn't be a smörgåsbord without this fantastically roided out egomaniac. I bet this guy's family hates his guts for fisting the turkey last Thanksgiving. Afterwards, he told them to lighten up.


Help Me Rhonda,
Love,
Kid Douche

Pssssst! Hey, Jesse Jackson!

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ANTI-SEMITIC PIECE OF RANCID LABIA MEAT!

Here's what he said. He essentially inferred that Barack Obama would change U.S. policy on Israel, ridding the United States from years of "Zionist" control. What a mensch, that Mr. Jackson is.



Do you know how easy it is to scare old Jewish people? Just go to a Jewish retirement home, and tell a group of them that you'd like to take them on a magical train ride. See how they react.

These people are the most paranoid, read between the lines conspiracy theorists out there. And like a lot of old people in America, they are stubborn and a little racist. Give them half a reason to be scared and they will be. Black guy? Rumors that he's a Muslim? Ahhhh!!! All Bubbies report to the bomb shelter!!!

If you put a newspaper in front of them with the headline "Free Money for All Seniors" across the top, they'd say, "Bullshit! Those Palestinians and Germans don't have me fooled. The money is poisoned somehow. And these bagels are lousy! Marry a nice Jewish girl already so you can be like us... miserable."

Any waves you make regarding Israel, real or fake, will set off their Hebrometers. Florida is a swing state filled to capacity with old Jews. Why would you want to hand that state over to McCain because of rumors, rather than help a fellow black man who shares a lot of your political viewpoints, Mr. Jackson? Go push a rainbow, asshole.

But there is an outside chance that he did not actually say the remarks attributed to him. It was the New York Post that quoted Jackson. Not a very reputable newspaper, and very right wing (notice the Jewish conspiracy gene working). But Jesse Jackson isn't exactly a person who should get the benefit of the doubt, as he has a history of insensitive remarks against Jews :


Also this. Remember when he said that he wanted to cut Obama's nuts off? Class-act. The Obama camp didn't ask Jackson for help with their campaign, therefore he chooses to act like a spiteful child who was denied a fucking Bomb Pop.




And who could forget that in 1984, he referred to New York City as "Hymie-town". Hymie being a derogatory term for a Jew. It's derived from the stereotypical Jewish name Hyman (originally Chaim), commonly shortened to Hymie. You might remember the fictional Jewish gangster Hyman Roth from Godfather II. The slur Hymie shares its origin with the Irish Mick or Paddy, all of which descend from popular names.


So, Reverend Jesse Jackson. It's time for you to stop talking. Take a vow of silence, write a book, or eat some yogurt while taking a bath. Just go away for a few weeks, because old Jews don't need to be frightened any more than they are already. That shit trickles down to their grandkids, including me, who are exposed to enough shame and fear as it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my hands full at the moment. I'm building a car that runs on Jewish guilt. An endless, renewable energy.

Shalom, bitch.