Gripes and Gifs, Please

Kvetching is a Jewish style of complaining that takes years of studying to perfect. Email me at shitforbrians@yahoo.com for lessons. It's $15/hr to watch me complain in a bathrobe. $25/hr for naked complaining. Bring towels.

(a few hours passed by between the time I wrote the first and the subsequent paragraph)

I was going to eloquently explain how much my day sucked, but who really cares? I had a panic attack at the dentist as he was drilling my face, jammed my finger under an air conditioner, had too little sleep, got a headache, a parking ticket, and lost $50 at a casino. That's what happened. But you know what? All of these things were my own damn fault. So I'm calling bullshit on myself for feeling like crap when I had the time to adequately prepare myself to face each bit of stress that blew my way. Story of my fucking life. Fuck it, here's some gnarly GIF's. And it's $30/hr for self-hatred lessons.

(These might take a few moments to load... Did you know that GIF is an acronym for Gary's innocent feelings? It's a fact.)








One of my all time favorites






There are rumors that there will be an Arrested Development movie sometime in the near future. I pray to jungle king Nicholas Cage that this is true.



Beaver Bounce!



Japanese sensation Hard Gay, Hooooooooo!

Watch Hard Gay here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NojM3BGMONM














Why does he need those earmuffs? His ear canals are completely fused together with Handi Snack cheese, rendering any further protection useless... Logical and mean-spirited arguments are my forte.












I went to the grocery store and saw a guy disappear by the bread. Zap!












Rats are inmates that snitch on or steal from other inmates. Mr. Belvedere should know better.



I'm really glad that my penis is circumcised. You should be more appreciative of my circumcised penis, gliding through the pines like a flying squirrel. Pines and penis share the same letters... I'm a crepe.





Wouldn't be a smörgåsbord without this fantastically roided out egomaniac. I bet this guy's family hates his guts for fisting the turkey last Thanksgiving. Afterwards, he told them to lighten up.


Help Me Rhonda,
Love,
Kid Douche

Dick You, Bitch! Stop Me!

Once, when my son and I were hunting, I followed a gazelle, leaving my child to tend to our donkeys.

A She-ghoul swooped out of nowhere and ate my child.

A week went by, and when Friday came, a stranger raised his tent pole not far from my village.

He emerged from his shelter one night and wandered into a saloon.

“This is truly a fine moonlight night for a drinking bout,” he proclaimed, “It quite reminds me of the night when Prince Kang feasted at Pear-Blossom Island.”

I asked him if he was hungry, and on receiving no answer, pushed some food over towards him. The stranger immediately set to feeding himself by handfuls, and in no time a shoulder of pork and a quantity of boiled dumplings had disappeared.

His appetite was appeased and he turned to thank me, saying, “For three years I haven’t had such a meal.” He then drew a short sword from his belt, and, tapping the blade with his fingers, began to accompany it with a song.

The song put me to sleep and upon opening my eyes I was among the clouds, and around me was a fleecy atmosphere. Jumping up in great alarm, I felt giddy as if I had been at sea, and underneath my feet I found a soft, yielding substance unlike the earth.

“I am the Arcturus star," the stranger said. "Your friendship is cherished by me. Truly our destinies are knitted together, and I will repay your kindness by becoming your son.”

I said to him, “If you really are one of those wonderful creatures, you will be able to get me anything I want; and I should be much obliged if you would begin by giving me five ounces of silver."

Upon making my request, I was carried away by a typhoon. After being tossed about for many days and nights I arrived at a country where the people were hideously ugly.

Looking in a mirror, I saw an awful sight. I soon realized that the image in the looking glass was my own face. My eyeballs protruded, my beard curled up like a hedgehog, my ears drooped forward in flaps, and I had three nostrils.

It is a wise rule to resist the beginnings of evil.

Then My Beloved Dog Had Become No Longer New

I had a favorite toy. It was a huge soft clown, in full growth.

At the forest outside the temple, I lost my toy.

The way it happened seemed strange, and by-and-by I reached a city which resembled the capital of a prince.

Whereupon I felt a pain in my left eye as if something was being split, and in a moment I found that I could see tables and chairs in a room.

A man was selling his pears in the room. They were unusually sweet and fine flavored, and the price he asked was high.

It was just the time of the new moon, and by its feeble light I was able to make out the face of this man.

“If there are any goblins or foxes,” said the man, “I’ll catch them for you.”

I laughed to myself at the nonsense he talked, spread my mat upon the floor, put a stone under my head for a pillow, and lay down to sleep.

(via Peter Tybus)

In the morning a lad came in to light a fire.

We rode on horseback together until we had reached a village thickly shaded with trees, so that the sun and sky were invisible overhead, and entered into a most elaborately-decorated mansion, such as might belong to an old-established family.

Looking round, I could see that the house had disappeared, and that its place was occupied by a huge mound and a bottomless pit.

“You know,” said the young lad, “I am not a man but a fox. Today we shall be attacked by thunder."

I replied, “How dares this pig-boy fellow behave thus?"

So away he went, his eyes glaring like a devil’s.

From that time, I was left in peace; but my wife became very thin, she shortly afterwards died of consumption.

I then took a concubine, and had one son, who became in time a distinguished man.

I'm Playing Arkanoid With Your Sister

For the past week, I've been herding all 4,000 pictures from my hard drive into separate, labeled folders. After doing this for an hour, my eyes get dry


my brain goes numb



and pictures like this



and gifs like this



cease to amuse me. Under normal circumstances, they would have my laffy smack bone a'swamped in giggles. But the miserable boredom that organizing computer files inflicts upon my spirit animal (bumble-hawk) is worth it, folks. Even though it has taken at least 10 hours off my life meter, and given me a nuclear headache, I was able to unearth gems I had been neglecting. Your loss is my gain, er...my loss is your gain. Fuck! I just spilled milk all over my shirt while drinking from the carton. I'm not letting this shit slide, either. I'm going to the grocery store right now and I'm gonna stab all the milks until I prove my point or until the police show up and taze me by the butter.


Dazzle us, sweet gems!


I'm nuts about you, baby




I wish I was special

(via Eric Kroll (Warning!!! site NSFW))



Happy New Year's, Tiny Terry! Now be a good boy and go visit Balloon Ankle Jimmy. I heard he was talking smack about your food pellets.

(via Jah Jah Sphinx)



Kanye totally bit these kids' style. He probably bit their mom's gunt, too.




"Carol, this is your father speaking. Honey, I don't think the neighborhood boys can handle what you've been doing to those Fudgsicles anymore."




This kid-1... Kid Douche-0




Why didn't I think of that?




An old classic I had nearly forgotten. I feel better about myself already.








"I just wrote a new song. It's called "Fuck You Guys, Get Off My Bed". Wanna hear it?"




"That's it, buddy. I'm cuttin' you off."



Pizza Face?

(via Jerry Hsu, I think)


or Pizza Face?




Cracker Crashers



I also found some really cool photo/paintings.


Whoa



Cool



Yeah!

(this one is by Jeff Jordan)


Smell ya later, homies.