Gripes and Gifs, Please

Kvetching is a Jewish style of complaining that takes years of studying to perfect. Email me at shitforbrians@yahoo.com for lessons. It's $15/hr to watch me complain in a bathrobe. $25/hr for naked complaining. Bring towels.

(a few hours passed by between the time I wrote the first and the subsequent paragraph)

I was going to eloquently explain how much my day sucked, but who really cares? I had a panic attack at the dentist as he was drilling my face, jammed my finger under an air conditioner, had too little sleep, got a headache, a parking ticket, and lost $50 at a casino. That's what happened. But you know what? All of these things were my own damn fault. So I'm calling bullshit on myself for feeling like crap when I had the time to adequately prepare myself to face each bit of stress that blew my way. Story of my fucking life. Fuck it, here's some gnarly GIF's. And it's $30/hr for self-hatred lessons.

(These might take a few moments to load... Did you know that GIF is an acronym for Gary's innocent feelings? It's a fact.)








One of my all time favorites






There are rumors that there will be an Arrested Development movie sometime in the near future. I pray to jungle king Nicholas Cage that this is true.



Beaver Bounce!



Japanese sensation Hard Gay, Hooooooooo!

Watch Hard Gay here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NojM3BGMONM














Why does he need those earmuffs? His ear canals are completely fused together with Handi Snack cheese, rendering any further protection useless... Logical and mean-spirited arguments are my forte.












I went to the grocery store and saw a guy disappear by the bread. Zap!












Rats are inmates that snitch on or steal from other inmates. Mr. Belvedere should know better.



I'm really glad that my penis is circumcised. You should be more appreciative of my circumcised penis, gliding through the pines like a flying squirrel. Pines and penis share the same letters... I'm a crepe.





Wouldn't be a smörgåsbord without this fantastically roided out egomaniac. I bet this guy's family hates his guts for fisting the turkey last Thanksgiving. Afterwards, he told them to lighten up.


Help Me Rhonda,
Love,
Kid Douche

Superlogical This, Superlogical That

The economy is tanking, nobody is hiring, and I'm slowly going insane. This is the perfect time to look for work.

I will start in the media/video/film/advertising/graphic design/photography/Wendy's/hiding in clothing racks/pumpkin stomping field. When my attempts fail, I will look for minimum wage type work, but only if I can look as defeated as possible. Shouldn't be a problem. I will be needing an outlet for my frustrations and humorous blunders, which will be recounted in this here blog.

For now, the posts might be shorter and with less photoshoppage. Maybe not. We'll see. These are my plans. Here's some junk food:


(via Michael Kutsche)
















RadBread says:
"Good luck on your job search.
Don't forget the future."

Help Us Choose A Mascot

Alright, people. Listen up. Our site desperately needs a mascot. We just...we just need a mascot, I can't explain it to you right now. Maybe later.

I think our mascot should be animated, you know...to cheer us up when we're blue and when our slacks are too tight. I've been scouring the web, and found some animated gifs I think could work for the site. I've also found some that I know won't work, but that's what's great about America, everybody gets a chance to shine. USA! USA! USSSR! (the extra S is for Smallpox)


But the real help is going to come from YOU, our readership (weeeeee! sailing away on a reader-ship). I'm asking for your input in the choosing of our mascot and its name. It's an interactive experience and everyone who reads this piece of blog is invited to comment and gossip about how fat some of the mascots have gotten. Feel free to let us know what mascots you like, and those you loathe. Here we go:


This is the front-runner. Just a goofy idiot pleased to think funny thoughts to himself. Is he retarded? Probably. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give him some love.
My proposed name for him is Sticky Ricky.



This appears to be a young something in a blond wig, wearing a pink dress, jumping rope, and barking at the ground after each successful leap. I also believe it is not mentally stable. Something tells me it makes a lot of eggs. Just a hunch.
I call her Bologna Babysitter.




Sweaty Dumptruck. Even her candles are dark. I don't know why, but I just made myself laugh. Such a stupid statement, but I'm still laughing. Dark candles. HAHAHAHAHA!




Tinfoil Hallucination Gonzales




Henry BloodCough




Indecisive Black Professor





Dirty Burster. There seems to be a lot of liquid surrounding this fella, and I don't think it's cement, because cement ain't green, see. He's been humping that wheelbarrow for a while, so it must be barrow snot.





RadBread von Toastenheimer. I like this one a lot. He's got a certain moxie I can't put my finger on. Top 3 material.





Anti-gravity somersault Spider-Man




Stand. Pray.
Stand. Pray.
Stand. Pray.



(Sometimes the animation don't work properly. Is that you, Jesus?)





Here's a happy torso. Look at him stride about, on his way to funland. Hi there, Prism Possum.





This is what fuels this site. It's a bit too obvious. Next.





Swamp Sandwich. Angry at Jah and deodorant.





Silky Knucklebones. Zombie push-up extraordinaire.





Plateglass Sassafras. This lovely little lass keeps feeding her teddy bear, over and over. Oatmeal to oatmeal. With the patience of a Shaolin monk. Namaste, bitch.





Spooky Soul Hisser. Too dark and disturbing, I say. Not darker than Sweaty Dumptruck's candles, though.






Let's smash birds! Secret Orphan.





Take that you stupid fish! Iron OnionRascal.





Endless kid mouth. Floppy Emeralds.




That's the rundown, kids. Just comment on which ones you like and which ones you don't like. Hell, submit your own! Feedback please, I'm a good listener.



Here's your awesome palate cleanser for today. Better than anything I could express through words and crappy gifs.

(via Dan Mumford. Dude is amazing. Check out his stuff here.)


Smell ya later, homies.