Then My Beloved Dog Had Become No Longer New

I had a favorite toy. It was a huge soft clown, in full growth.

At the forest outside the temple, I lost my toy.

The way it happened seemed strange, and by-and-by I reached a city which resembled the capital of a prince.

Whereupon I felt a pain in my left eye as if something was being split, and in a moment I found that I could see tables and chairs in a room.

A man was selling his pears in the room. They were unusually sweet and fine flavored, and the price he asked was high.

It was just the time of the new moon, and by its feeble light I was able to make out the face of this man.

“If there are any goblins or foxes,” said the man, “I’ll catch them for you.”

I laughed to myself at the nonsense he talked, spread my mat upon the floor, put a stone under my head for a pillow, and lay down to sleep.

(via Peter Tybus)

In the morning a lad came in to light a fire.

We rode on horseback together until we had reached a village thickly shaded with trees, so that the sun and sky were invisible overhead, and entered into a most elaborately-decorated mansion, such as might belong to an old-established family.

Looking round, I could see that the house had disappeared, and that its place was occupied by a huge mound and a bottomless pit.

“You know,” said the young lad, “I am not a man but a fox. Today we shall be attacked by thunder."

I replied, “How dares this pig-boy fellow behave thus?"

So away he went, his eyes glaring like a devil’s.

From that time, I was left in peace; but my wife became very thin, she shortly afterwards died of consumption.

I then took a concubine, and had one son, who became in time a distinguished man.

Early Saturday Morning Smorgasbord Deluxe

I've been there, pal. Oh lordy, have I been there.


I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. It speaks to the awkward, cranky jew in my soul. In this scene, Larry and Leon get their phones mixed up. "Barack Obama Mothafucka!"




"Thanks for the fucking stick, you dipshit ape asshole!"



"Tonight is the night of the emperor! We shall feast and celebrate by hanging all children by their ankles in martial arts poses. Our ancestors will be pleased."



Wow, this guy really hates lions. Or maybe he walked in on his wife fucking a lion, and now he's compelled to wage a bitter war on all the kings of the jungle. Who knows? Not me.



Which brings us to one of my favorite Bollywood clips. This guy looks way too fat to be moving around like a spry cheetah, but his golden boots hold magical powers enabling him to defy nature. Nice saxophone spinning, bro.



After this picture was taken, Gus was banned from the Foot Locker at Northfield Mall



"Go shawty
It's your birfday
We gon' party like it's yo birfday"






This fucked with my head when I saw it, and it still does. It's a dash cam video of a Humvee "driving" through Baghdad. It reminds me of a horrible video game, only this shit is real. I mean, holy shit!

(thanks to Mike "out of context" for the find)


Bread crust ring
vs.
Pigeon

Fight!!!

24 Baby Names

I've always wanted to have a baby for strictly selfish reasons. It's like owning a fleshy entertainment vessel that leaks various fluids my wife has to clean up. He/she would ride dogs, swear at bill collectors over the phone, and swallow Christmas lights.

The best part about having a baby is that you get to name it whatever you want. And if I'm going to scar my child for life anyways, why not do it right off the bat, with a name that will be legally changed when the Department of Child Services takes it away.

A good way to check if a name has comic potential is by inserting it into the following sentences:
Baby name, clean your room!
Baby name, you call this a report card?
Go to sleep, baby name.
Mommy loves you, baby name, but daddy needs pills to love you.
Try them out with the names below.

Here's a list of baby names I'm considering:


1. Dracula



2. Detective Wong



3. Ragnarok


4. Predator Janitor

(via Uncyclopedia)


5. Drugs

(via Animal)


6. Typhoid Carrier



7. Ocho Bologna



8. Igloo Truth Ruth



9. Goiter Flap Zack



10. Pope Poe



11. Cigarettes



12. Slavery Funtime



13. Inspector Tanaka

(via imddesigner)


14. MC Warlock Vomit



15. Boils St. Nundumper



16. Pizza Party



Fatlip (vidcap above) from "What's Up Fatlip?" directed by Spike Jonze. (I used Daily Motion because the quality of the same video on Youtube was awful, so just full screen the snizz)



17. Owl Knobs



18. Swamp Nipple Sploder



19. Early 70's




20. Cerebral Paul
(Here's Josh Blue, a comic with cerebral palsy. He's actually an okay comedian, only a little too reliant on the fact that all his jokes are about being disabled, but that's his shtick. Besides, have you ever seen any stand up comedy on BET? Being black is their shtick, so I guess you play the cards you're dealt. I know... I'm the deepest, brah)


21. Spiders



22. Coffeepot Tinbuckle

(via forty-six+two)



23. Suntan Lotion


Here's an unrelated PSA. It's British, and it's pretty creepy.



24. D'Brickashaw Ferguson...oops, already taken