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24 Baby Names

I've always wanted to have a baby for strictly selfish reasons. It's like owning a fleshy entertainment vessel that leaks various fluids my wife has to clean up. He/she would ride dogs, swear at bill collectors over the phone, and swallow Christmas lights.

The best part about having a baby is that you get to name it whatever you want. And if I'm going to scar my child for life anyways, why not do it right off the bat, with a name that will be legally changed when the Department of Child Services takes it away.

A good way to check if a name has comic potential is by inserting it into the following sentences:
Baby name, clean your room!
Baby name, you call this a report card?
Go to sleep, baby name.
Mommy loves you, baby name, but daddy needs pills to love you.
Try them out with the names below.

Here's a list of baby names I'm considering:


1. Dracula



2. Detective Wong



3. Ragnarok


4. Predator Janitor

(via Uncyclopedia)


5. Drugs

(via Animal)


6. Typhoid Carrier



7. Ocho Bologna



8. Igloo Truth Ruth



9. Goiter Flap Zack



10. Pope Poe



11. Cigarettes



12. Slavery Funtime



13. Inspector Tanaka

(via imddesigner)


14. MC Warlock Vomit



15. Boils St. Nundumper



16. Pizza Party



Fatlip (vidcap above) from "What's Up Fatlip?" directed by Spike Jonze. (I used Daily Motion because the quality of the same video on Youtube was awful, so just full screen the snizz)



17. Owl Knobs



18. Swamp Nipple Sploder



19. Early 70's




20. Cerebral Paul
(Here's Josh Blue, a comic with cerebral palsy. He's actually an okay comedian, only a little too reliant on the fact that all his jokes are about being disabled, but that's his shtick. Besides, have you ever seen any stand up comedy on BET? Being black is their shtick, so I guess you play the cards you're dealt. I know... I'm the deepest, brah)


21. Spiders



22. Coffeepot Tinbuckle

(via forty-six+two)



23. Suntan Lotion


Here's an unrelated PSA. It's British, and it's pretty creepy.



24. D'Brickashaw Ferguson...oops, already taken

Hey Kid, Want Some Candy?

I hate kids, with exceptions for Kid from Kid 'n Play and the movie Kids. They're loud, obnoxious, need movie plots explained, and can't take a punch. And they get upset too easily, like when when a perfectly nice guy with dreadlocks tries to abduct them. For fuck's sake, grow up!


Every time I look at my testicles, no doubt chock full of my potent seed, I contemplate what would happen if I were to impregnate a purdy woman. The consequences of my fertilization would be far reaching and catastrophic to my current lifestyle, which resembles an episode of DuckTales.

It would be very hard for me to let go of that, especially for a little turd that would probably try to murder me when he's 15. But that's if the kid lives to be 15. The booby trapped playpen and general neglect will likely finish him off by the time he turns 3. And the fact that I'm gonna name him Dracula will surely make his school days difficult. The downside would be that if he survives my terrorism, then he is probably tougher and more cunning than me, thus leaving me open to the classic cobra in the pillowcase trick. He'll hover over me as I convulse and curl into a death ball, cobra venom coursing through my veins, and he'll laugh a hearty laugh knowing that justice has been served.

This is a warning to my future son, Dracula. Take note, son:







Lord give me the strength to think of something else when I look at my slightly larger left nut and its lil' buddy to the right. Sheeeeeit... I might as well resign myself to the fact that I'll eventually have more kids than Ol' Dirty Bastard.


But maybe, just maybe...my kids will turn out to be as cool as these little fuckers. Just looking at 'em gives me a shred of hope.