Old Style

It begins in November and lasts through March. The cold. The reclusiveness. Leaving my apartment is a struggle. And now it's the bleak month before the thaw. And still, the cold lingers like a fart in an elevator. Throw in a couple nice days of false spring, and then back to misery.

I crave warmth. I long for this...




Yeah, I'm complaining about the weather. I'm a lonely old man in failing health, sitting on the porch waiting for the grim reaper to take what's his. And as an elderly man, I have opinions about everything. For instance...

Gay marriage - Best thing that ever happened to me was when my wife got snakebit and fell dead.

Immigration - If you're cool, come on in. No Filipinos.

Flag Burning - Keeps me warm.

Sean Connery - I bet he smells nice.

Construction workers - Stop building shit. Go to law school like everybody else.

Whiskey - Makes tennis really fun.

Getting dizzy - Falling down.


Want my opinion? Just ask. I've got all fuckin' day.

I Hate These Old Men

10 Dumb YouTube Clips For Stupid Idiots

All I want, besides an 8x10 autographed dick pic from Laurence Fishburne, is to be a good person, and to do the right thing. If I was walking across a bridge and saw a woman drowning, I'd ask her if she needed anything, then I'd tip my hat and walk away. That's just who I am.



1. Holy shit, this is some cool fucking shit! Watch the whole thing because it's not what you think. It just looks like some cretin putting his cellie in a microwave, but it's so much more. Courtesy of http://www.no-evil.net/ , a cell phone company with an original, albeit warped, marketing technique.

I once put a fork in the microwave and the sound was unearthly. Mostly bzzzrtttrrtt and portal closure sounds. Try it right now. Time's wasting, go and put a tin of ravioli in the zap box. For Wilbur.


2. Don't huff paint, kids.



3. I wanna be in the Russian military so bad. Then again...


People always ask me what my deal with Russia is, and why my depiction of Russia is that of a frozen wasteland filled with criminals and drunks. Well, my fascination with Russia is primarily the product of an overactive imagination, snippets of news about Russia, and my own personal preconceptions about all of Eastern Europe.

I do this a lot, if you haven't noticed. I treat my own thoughts as if they were reality, because a) it doesn't hurt anybody, b) it beats reality, and c) it's really amusing. I have never been to, or plan on going to Russia. Everything is strictly based on my own pretend mythology.

I see Russia as a crumbling frat house of poverty and abandoned hope. Just as I see Japan as Candy Land. From what I gather, Russians don't have a built-in guilt mechanism that so many people, like myself, struggle with. This intrigues me, and makes me jealous. I worry too much about stupid shit. If I were Russian, I'd have 10 kids from 11 different mothers, and 10 AK-47's. I'd spend most of my time with the AK's, and I wouldn't feel bad about it, because it's my life, and it's all completely normal.

In conclusion, Russia is an apocalyptic wasteland where destitute drunks and soulless criminals fuck and fight each other, guilt-free. Moving on...


4. Who says old people can't do anything cool? Well, I do, but this wheelchair-bound fossil proves me wrong. Screw your doctor's advice, Zelda. Pop off a few rounds to remind yourself that you're alive! You stand or sit for something, dammit! USA! USA! USA!



5. This is so stupid, so stupid, so fucking stupid! Why is it my favorite thing ever? Why have I seen it a dozen times in a row? I think it's the Coolio hair, the blank expression on his face, and the abject stupidity of the whole thing. And the fact that I'm watching it is funny by itself.



6. Hockey fight! Aaron Downey vs. Jesse Boulerice. A lot of preparation, then bam! One punch knockout. The announcer calls it a "punch in the face contest". Well put. (FYI, I really like hockey. No joke)

Some insightful people posted comments on YouTube about it.
Here's a gem from XxX44SMITH55XxX:

"Who shuved a 11 inch dick in your mouth? I couldnt understand what you said? Please take it out!"
...How profound.

7. Don't ask me, I don't fucking know anymore. I'll be in the shame pavilion if you need me.



8. Technoviking. Straight classic. His majesty arrives 38 seconds in.

Sugaragus was the one that showed it to me first, and I thank him for spreading the gospel.


9. Short and simple, yet effective. I know it's kind of America's Funniest Home Videos-esque, but what do you want? Leave me alone.



10. Gettin' revenge on redneck pisslip dirt-dicks. This has to be the sweetest feeling in all of southwestern Missouri. Stick with this video till about 4:15, when it gets righteous. (I can't tell if this is real or staged, but I like it anyway)




Monty will be back tomorrow for another round of horseplay, poppycock, and tomfoolery.

Shit and Other Crap, Mostly Bullshit

I totally forgot that Monty was up in Michigan this weekend, visiting his creature skins. That explains the map he gave me...



...and the axiom he made me recite




I was supposed to do something for him while he was up there, but I can't remember and haven't done whatever I'd promised to do. Now I feel like an asshole, all brown and sticky. Like a chocolate cake left in a sauna.



I'm bored. I feel less like chocolate covered crab legs, and more like an albino wolf, alone in the forest, with badgers raining down walnuts upon his soft white skull. They sit high up on their wooden perches, snickering, with bowls full of nuts to hurl at him. His name is Snow Glow Lonesome. He writes, too...

"I'm so hungry, but the wolf code prohibits the eating of food thrown in anger or for the purposes of ridicule. So I must travel in hunger, waiting for a rabbit to drop its guard. And I've read Watership Down, so I'm well prepared. It's only a matter of time before I snag a hare, pop the meat in my tum-tum, and head to the Lupine Jazz Festival out in Pittsburgh. My wife died three months ago...she ate a bag of Chips Ahoy! I didn't want to add the exclamation point to Chips Ahoy!, being that my wife was poisoned by it, but that's the name of the cookie, and being grammatically correct is also a part of the wolf code. Canines can't have chocolate. They just can't."


Speaking of chocolate, check these chocolate newborns out. I eat mine on the bus. They taste better when people stare.

Weird


Disturbing


No, NO, NO!


"Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side!"




In other chocolate news... brown candy.

9 out of 10 curious youngsters near fences agree, moist chocolate cake pieces resemble poo from the Iron Age. A rift in time has opened and dark matter spews forth. Time to watch E.T. again, kids. This time, E.T. is a jive talking Polish man with down syndrome, and Elliot runs a funeral home for geese... hey, that's enough, Tyler. Put it down!





I saw an old man eating a garlic cheese croissant at the airport the other day. It was all tongue and shivers and teeth. I couldn't stifle a smirk, and I wanted to laugh out loud, because it's 5:30 in the morning, and this old white man (OWM) is struggling to find his mouth.



Chocolate Messiah is a Zelig-like figure, always in the right place at the right time. I came across his website as I was surfing (weeeeeee!) images of melted chocolate for the purposes of humor and lightheartedness. It's all about syrup and Speedos with this guy, so I won't be drinking his mess with a curly straw any time soon. No, sir.





Looking through hundreds of images of chocolate does a number on one's brain.



Sorry.


Here's a palate cleanser.


Ahhaaahha! Guns are hilarious!

Ghost House