Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Larry Chronicles: Part III

A brief biography of Larry Landon:

1975. In the back of a Birmingham church, Larry Landon bursts forth from the shell of a tortoise and into the arms of an 11 year-old orphan named Jippy Jappy. The church burns to the ground a week later, claiming Jippy Jappy's life. Larry is unscathed. Some say he set the fire. Some say hot dogs taste good. The tortoise also survives, with a slightly charred body and a bloodshot left eye that bulges whenever he breathes.

Larry and the tortoise travel through the south for a time, soaking up wisdom, sunshine, and adventure. Just a newborn and his tortoise creator, living life to the max.


Christmas Day, 1979. The tortoise refuses to wake up. He's had enough of the constant traveling and stays in his shell until he lives no longer. This makes Larry very sad, but he marches on with life, and in time, stops thinking about the tortoise altogether.

1989: Larry develops a creamy rash and fucks your sister. These events spark "The Asshole Years", a ten year period in which Larry behaves like a dick and loses all his friends.


On the next Larry Chronicles... "The Asshole Years"....