Sunday, September 9, 2012

Never Trust Passion

While reading Esquire today, I came across an ad for boat shoes, or shoes for people who get a kick out of pretending to own a boat. Fake boat ownership is a blast. The shoes are called Top Siders by a company called Sperry. Here's the ad, which I'll get into after you feast your hungry eyeballs on it....

sperry top sider ad

Besides the dual themes of rich dicks and cute dogs with foot fetishes, peep their tagline, "A Passion For The Sea". That gives me the creeps just writing it. If anyone ever tells you that they have a "passion for the sea", you need to get as far away from that person as possible. If anybody ever says they "have a passion for ______", push that person to the ground and call the police. If they get up, repeat the pushing to the ground maneuver.

Describing something you enjoy as a passion is, at best, proof that you're pretentious as fuck, and at worst, a sign of full-blown homicidal psychosis. Never use the word passion out loud or in conversation. If you do, be aware that you are well on your way down a path to zero friends because of your creepiness and/or because you've done murder on them.


Think about it. You have passions. I have passions. But never in my life have I ever used the word passion out loud. It's gross. It's romance novel hokey bullshit that's meant to be intense, but just conveys that you desperately want to be thought of as intense. Well, I can see right through you, fuckface. You're not gonna get a chance to strangle me because I just pushed you down. What are you gonna do on the ground, strangle my legs? I can kick pretty hard. My legs are full of passion.

big ol legs biker dudez

So the next time you're at a party or on a date, and the person you're talking to says they have a passion for cinema, a passion for Italian food, or a passion for sodomy, here's a quick tip in rhyme form to help you remember what to do.... JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say?