I've Lost 10 Pounds on the "What the Fuck is Wrong with my Innards?" Diet

I'm writing this right now because I am scared. My health is really bad right now, and I need to express what's been going on. I'm not gonna go into the gory details, but I will be stating the basic facts of my body's decline. So bear with me on another voyage to the Nest of Grump...




My stomach has been fucked up in different ways since July 4th, when I gave myself gastritis. That night, I foolishly ate some chicken drenched in a cayenne- pepper-rich BBQ sauce, topped it off with some chips and spicy salsa, and promptly went to bed, letting all that crap disintegrate the lining of my already sensitive stomach.

That fucked me up for a week with nausea and heartburn. Stomach acid made its way back into my mouth, giving me the pleasant taste of cat shit mixed with pennies. I ate soy ice cream, drank coconut water (which I discovered is a natural laxative...cocksuck!), and munched on crackers. I lost a little weight, but I managed to get by.

By the end of the month, my stomach was on the mend and I was feeling optimistic about my semi-full recovery. I also had several creative projects (playing drums in a band, re-editing a Gandhi trailer, projecting a video collage for a big ol' gay dance party) that made me feel ambitious for the first time in awhile.

Then, on the 8th of August, I felt the first symptoms of a stomach virus that's still fucking with my system as of today. Extreme nausea, cold sweats, low-grade fever. I rode the worst of it out for 3 days with nothing more than Gatorade, ginger ale, and herbal tea. Started feeling better on the 4th day, so I added some soy milk. Mistake. More nauseous fun time. Anxiety and panic attacks ahoy!




By the 6th day, I felt good enough to go without Dramamine, although I was on edge, interpreting any stomach gurgle as a potential regression to the hellish first 3 days. But I made it through the night with a bucket and old linens beside my bed to contain a potential toxic episode.

7th day. Felt better. Added some soy protein drink to my diet, with some Ensure as well.

8th day. Weighed myself. 173lbs. I've lost 7 pounds. Panic attack. Recovered in about an hour and tried to make myself eat something solid. Almost threw up. Back to sipping ginger ale.

Today is the 11th day. I've eaten some crackers and some applesauce, along with a soy protein shake. I weighed myself before I took a shower and the scale read 170 pounds. That's the lowest I've ever weighed as an adult and it freaked me out.




I need to gain weight, but I can't rush it or else I'll just puke it up. I've had diarrhea 4 times in 6 days now. I have no confidence in my stomach, and I'm losing strength. My anxiety is through the roof, and to top it off, I'm going to LA to find an apartment on the 31st. I need to get better by then, or my plans will be derailed.

I feel like I'm stretched to the limit emotionally and physically. I know I'll get over this sickness eventually, but the future seems out of reach because the present is horrific.




I feel better just by writing all this down. I'm seeing a regular doctor tomorrow morning, and a GI doctor on the 26th. We'll have a lot to talk about. Meanwhile, I'm watching The Simpsons, Futurama, Roseanne, Everybody Hates Chris, and My Name is Earl. Sitcoms and cartoons kill time like nothing else. And that's what I'm reduced to, killing time while I try to keep food down.

I hate my genetics, my Jewish immune system, and I wholeheartedly renew my absolute hatred for my digestive system. Fuck you all. I should dig up Andre the Giant and make you suck his dick!

I'll post an update soon...