Monday, January 9, 2012

Copernicus: All About Ol' Cus

Copernicus, astronomer circa 1512, was the youngest of 4 children, and lived in the Kingdom of Poland. Poland was a swamp back then. Crocodiles were plentiful, and much smaller than they are today, growing only as big as your arm. Copernicus spent his days catching and cooking crocs for sustenance and fun. Other animals didn't exist yet. A lot were created by this one guy in 1635. I think his name was Jason. Jason sucked dick, boy. Jason sucked all the dicks.

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Copernicus admired the night sky and especially the stars, which he called "God sprinkles". He enrolled at the University of Krakow to study astrological medicine, which was considered to be a hot career field at the time. He was an inquisitive and dedicated student, often staying up all night reading books on how to manufacture cocaine. He had a dog that accompanied him. He called him Rolaids.

BACK STORY: Copernicus found Rolaids all fucked up under a willow tree one afternoon. The dog had gotten into a local farmer's apple silo and stuffed himself stupid. Rolaids was puking up apples. Dozens of apples, covered in translucent gooey gross. His dumb dog stomach rejected the sweet fruit-rocks. Rolaids could barely move, so Copernicus had no choice but to carry him home, where he was tended to by little nurse demons that shat blood in the chimney. Charming creatures.

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Anyway, Copernicus lives in a casket now, and he's probably not getting up anytime soon. Once you die, you don't come back. It doesn't work that way. There's consciousness and then there is nothingness. Just oblivion. No more dreams forever.