Top Mummy: Pickled Pharaoh Kingdom

Short Story Time!

A guy named Keith stole a mummy from a museum. It was an Egyptian mummy. Kept in a climate controlled glass case.

Keith got hold of it somehow (long story, magick involved), wrapped it up in a stained comforter, loaded it into his Camry, and lugged the shriveled souvenir into his shitty apartment. Keith flung the mummy onto his bed, and propped its dessicated head upon a pillow, making the mummy look like it was halfway through a fun little nap, or a fnap. Keith thought the mummy looked adorable, and he wasn't wrong. He snuggled up to it, closed his bloodshot eyes, gave out a sigh, and felt contentment for the first time in years.




Keith slept beside the mummy that night, but he didn't sleep well. Dilemma. Keith needs his rest. He needs to be awake and alert at his job. Keith is unemployed and exists deep inside a roaring shadow-funk dreamworld of his own creation.




Keith downed 3 cups of coffee and stared at the mummy sleeping in his bed. His mind raced for solutions. Then he raced to the bathroom to take a shit. On the toilet, king-sized BM. Afterwards, during the wipe, he received the answer to his mummy riddle.

He leaped up on the bed, and hovered over the mummy like Prince does to every girl he's ever humped. Prince is a creep.





The mummy looked so peaceful and wrinkled and yellow. Keith grabbed a condom from his nightstand, unsheathed a nearby katana, cut the mummy's head off, crammed the head into the condom, and whipped the head around his bedroom like a medieval mace because he finally lost his fucking mind.




After a few minutes of whip-whip chuckle time, he took the latex-shrouded head outside, and flung it over a hedge, onto his neighbor's property. Then he went back inside and lay next to the headless mummy. He slept like a baby.

As Keith slumbered, a 9 year old boy went outside to play soccer in his backyard and discovered a mummy's head stuffed inside a condom. With tears in his eyes, he ran back inside, poured himself a glass of milk, drank it down, and climbed into the attic. He fell asleep in an old armoire.

He didn't speak again until his 13th birthday, and he refuses to wear a condom to this day.