Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Sink or Swim


How come fat rockabilly chicks and aggro-lesbos are into roller derby, but not water polo? Ladies, instead of boring-ass rollerskates, I humbly suggest you give the fine sport of water polo a try. Here's why:

1. You can show off all your bitchin' tats in a revealing bathing suit.

2. Chlorine from the pool will clean your filthy skin and armpit hair. Your dad doesn't love you.

3. Water polo is way more dangerous than roller derby for the simple fact that you can drown. Drowning can cause death. Death is pretty dangerous. Just picture it; fat Betty Page lookalike #7 is floating face down in the water like she had too much chili. Awesome!

4. You can psyche out your opponents by spraying menstrual blood in the pool, re-creating a Jaws nightmare. Better yet, give birth when nobody's looking, throw the baby at a bitch's face, and score the winning goal!

5. Cheeseburger beer farts make tickler bubbles in the water, and create an impenetrable noxious forcefield. Take advantage of your gaseous nature, hoglins.

See? Water polo is way cool. Much cooler than this...


Actually, that looks really fun. But the girls are all ruddy-cheeked sacks of flesh, right? The roller skates transform them into giant dumpy wheelbarrows, correct?



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