Wednesday, July 8, 2009

My Death, Funeral, and Afterlife

I’m sure that in this blog, and to my friends, I’ve mentioned a few scenarios about the way I’d like to die and what my funeral will be like. And recently, with Jason Crombie’s post about his ideal funeral seared into my skull, I felt the need to write it all down. Here she is…

Death of a Jewboy


Some November, years from now, on the outskirts of Chicago, I will build a castle made entirely of ice. Life will be splendorous and gay at the ice castle, with weekly parties that attract an ever expanding group of friends and well wishers. I will become a minor celebrity.


Months will fly by in a frosty haze of sex, drugs, and unstable footing. Yes, some guests will be injured. But they will feel honored to have earned their concussions at such an exclusive residence. I will be featured in People Magazine under the headline “Chicago’s Mr. Ice Comes Clean: ‘Yes, I’m an uncle’”.

Come March, I will notice the walls drooping and make plans to leave shortly. But I won’t. One morning, the roof will collapse, and my body will be sliced open by hundreds of jagged icicles.


After several days of sorting through the frigid rubble, city workers will not be able to locate my body. Flamethrowers will be brought in. Afterwards, my body will be seen floating in the subsequent puddle, slightly charred, wearing a chain mail bathrobe, a gift from Nick Nolte, who visited frequently. I will be on the cover of People Magazine accompanied by the headline “Mr. Ice is Dead: There is No God”. Time for the funeral.


The service will take place on a gravel barge off the southern shore of Lake Michigan. It will be an open casket funeral. The coffin will be small. Fun-size small. My body will be crammed inside at violent angles. The mortician will have removed my scalp, and replaced my hair with thousands of raisins. Bees will be released upon my raisin fro. Angry bees. A young Swedish boy will play the organ solo from “Runaway” by Del Shannon over and over on a Casio keyboard. He will be decked out in the fully licensed NBA uniform of his favorite team, the Utah Jazz. A grubby homeless man clad in a striped referee outfit will preside over the service. He will try to smoke his whistle.


Those attending the ceremony will be given crab legs to munch on as a final gift, and as a symbol of my generosity and class. They will not know that the crab legs have been marinated in formaldehyde. Many will perish. Like my dad says, “There’s nothing more satisfying than needless, unmotivated revenge.”


The Ref will be given a huge gilded bible and he will read from it silently, moving his lips as he goes along, a cigarette bobbing up and down from the corner of his mouth. 15 minutes into his silent prayers, he’ll start laughing maniacally, close his eyes, and cum in his pants. Funeral service over.


There will be one pallbearer, a competitive weightlifter. He will raise the coffin over his head, pose for three minutes, and toss it into the lake. It will sink… Then it will rise to the surface resting on a black air mattress. A motor on the mattress will start by itself and my casket will travel north at a leisurely 5 miles per hour. Destination: Summer Island.


3 days later, my coffin will arrive at Summer Island. The ghosts of fishermen will pull me ashore effortlessly, routinely. They have handled coffins before. The bees will be gone by then. The raisins will have melted. I will look like a ghoul covered in shit.

Carried into a small hut, my casket will be opened and placed on a raised platform in the center of the room. A fat, flannel-clad man will emerge from behind a curtain. He will place his soggy mouth upon my lips, and breathe forcefully into my deflated lungs. My eyes will open and I will scream. My screaming will stop with the aid of a woman, blowing me, calming me. I will look into her eyes and know that she is my wife. And as I ejaculate into her ghost mouth, I will accept my new existence as a member of this tribe of dead fishermen. And I will reside blissfully in this island fog-world, with my shadow brothers, and my wife beside me, for eternity.



Matt and Jeanie said...

that's some shitty chain male if it can't stop icicles.

Pancake Master said...

Great Kid Douche post, or GREATEST Kid Douche post?

Scotch and Salad said...

seeing as how it's nick nolte chain mail it's probably just pop can tops and cum

Anonymous said...

Rather good idea