World's Greatest Employee

They hired me to answer the phones, but I didn’t. I don’t take my life seriously, so it’s hard for me to take a job seriously. I wore tank tops to work all the time and was repeatedly sent home, which is what I wanted anyway. My boss ended up keeping a set of clothes for me in his office, to wear while I didn’t answer the phones.




The pants were itchy, and I removed them often. I’d wear them at my ankles as I walked laps around the office, drumming a complex rhythm on my belly. The other employees thought I was retarded, and never spoke to me. I’d stare at them blankly, eating plums in a loud manner. It made them work harder, it made their lives harder.

My boss liked me. He told me stories about his dead brother, George. He said I looked like George, if George had grown up. But George drowned when he was 7. I was being kept as the living ghost of his lost brother, for whatever feeling that gave him.




One unremarkable Tuesday, I took some acid before heading into work. I had see-through vision that day. Most people call it x-ray vision and when I say most people, I mean the three Hispanic children that lived inside my face for a few hours. They had balloons. I never saw them again and I never got to ask them what their ice cream tasted like. This angered me, and I pushed Phil from sales out the window, using super drug strength. The power felt nice.





I didn't go to work the next day, and I haven't held a job in 4 years.