Colonial Teen Diary

Fredericksburg, Virginia

July 18, 1694,

Father put tree sap all over my penis today. He said I was sinning too much and needed to be taught a lesson. So I went out by the creek, stuck my prick in an anthill, and let the ants go crazy. It felt really good. Then it didn’t.

July 23, 1694,

Searching for flint in the cavelands today, I came across a bear's nest. She was feasting on a beehive. I kicked the hive out of her mouth, and ran away. Fuck you, greedy bear!

July 25, 1694,

Father made a bucket today. It holds ever so much water. I put spiders in the water sometimes, and peek at Father when he drinks it.

July 29, 1694

I asked mother why sister smells like farts. Mother said sister is becoming a woman. I think it’s because sister rubs hogshit on her dress to ward off the Indians.

August 2, 1694,

Gathering wood in the forest today, I came across a baby swaddled in a nest of branches. It had a five-pointed star carved into its forehead and was dead. I love gathering wood.

August 4 1694,

Father taught me how to fish today. We stood at the edge of the river and threw our lines in. Father was very quiet. Then he explained to me that he was very sick. I laughed. Father drew his knife and cut my face all bad. I hate fishing.

August 8, 1694

I put oatmeal inside my peehole today.

August 11, 1694

Huggles is my dog. She had puppies today. Misshapen, brown puppies that smelled like sister’s dress. Something was wrong with them. They didn’t move at all. I tried feeding them some milk, but they wouldn’t respond. Father saw me doing this, and stared at the ground for the rest of the day.

August 12, 1694

Last night, Father was whispering to his musket, and Mother told him to shut up, so he went outside and shot himself in the face. I buried Huggles' puppies with Father. Our family is destroyed. Colonial America sucks.