Lou Piniella's Secret Shame

During my brief tenure as a Wrigley Field security guard, I received all sorts of irregular Cubs merchandise from my employers. They saw it as a way to assuage the criminally low wages I was working for, and it seemed like a decent benefit at the time. But when I actually looked at the stuff they bestowed upon me, it became painfully obvious as to why they had so many leftovers. Nobody else wanted the crap. It was junky, worthless, and in the case of my beloved Lou Piniella bobble-head, ugly.



(I think they took the head from a Slavic villager action figure)


A month ago, during a party at my place, I entertained my guests by gluing a little gun to Lou's pelvic girdle. And the legend of "Lou Piniella Gun Crotch" was born.





We even made a song about it. It's sung to the tune of "If I Were A Rich Man" and it goes:
Lou Piniella Gun Crotch
Yibby Dibby Dibby Dibby
Dibby Dibby Dibby Dum





I'd like to meet Lou on the street one day. I'll tell him all about my bobble head shenanigans and I bet he'll laugh like he was in on it, too. Then he'll ask me if I like Italian food, and I'll say "You know it, Louie P!" He'll take me to his favorite restaurant and feed me the finest pastas and wine, flown in from Rome. Oh, the deep philosophical conversations we'll have! And the laughter we'll share when I put my leg out and trip the waiter, sending him to the hospital.

It'll be great! I'll give him some advice regarding the starting lineup, and he'll humor me. Then I'll bring up the playoffs and the Fukudome fiasco. His affable facade will wither and he'll excuse himself to go to the bathroom. When he returns, I'll apologize and he'll tell me it's no big deal. He'll acknowledge that starting Fukudome was a mistake. Then he'll order another bottle of wine, an old favorite, and pour me a glass. I'll gulp it down.

All of a sudden, I'll get sleepy and dizzy. A grin will grow on Lou's face. Then I'll black out. When I wake up, I'll be in Lou's basement. My arms and legs will be fastened to a chair. Lou will stand before me, shirtless. He'll be wearing an executioner's mask. He'll be holding a tube of glue in one hand and a .357 Magnum in the other. And he'll take his time.


It's gonna be awesome.