Friday, September 11, 2009

Flashlight Rash Night

I bought a 10-pack of flashlights yesterday at Home Depot. Seriously. As you can tell by the photo, they have since become a burden.

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I saw these babies sitting on a shelf by the checkout lane and thought, "Who the fuck needs 10 flashlights ?" And then I saw the price tag - $10, and thought, "I need 10 flashlights!"

I sat alone in my car afterwards, feeling intense buyer's remorse. In fact, it was so intense that I passed out and began dreaming about a faraway place. A place where I'd never have the chance to make idiotic purchases. A place with waterfalls. And loose native women on horseback.

I smile a toothy grin at them, but my teeth are made of little flashlights that shoot beams of white light into their beautiful eyes, blinding them. Another native woman shows up. Except this one looks like the sound of Mr. T's laughter. Peculiar. Oh great, now there's an arrow lodged in my neck. Here comes the blood...

...I was awakened by a security guard knocking on the window of my car. "You can't sleep here, sir. It's midnight. We're closing."

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It's been a weird summer.

2 comments:

The Snob said...

sometimes i read your blog and i think to myself, "why do i read this blog?" Then you post something like this and i think. "ok yes. this is why i read this blog."

i like to read your blog.

also, are you from Raleigh? I don't even remember why i added you to my rss and I am wondering if you are local to me. that confuses my brain.

mike said...

the ten flashlights are just a set up...in a month youll be watching a late night infomercial...the narrator will say "are you tired of trying to use 10 tiny flashlights at one time" at this point they will show the picture of you and it will turn black and white...then a starburst will appear heralding the coming of 1 regular assed flashlight that does the work of 10 tiny ones...you do some faulty math in your head and come to the conclusion that the $100 pricetag is a fair bargain...esp since if you call now...you get 10 more tiny flashlights at no extra charge"for those hard to reach darknesses"...

there should be a law about comments being longer than actaul blog posts...

what i mean to say is ...last weekend i bought a cake that looked like a hamburger...which i immediately regretted...but was pleasently suprised when it was actaully pretty tasty