Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tupac: Legacy of Sexual Satisfaction

I am a cracker. This can not be disputed...


I am a sesame flatbread cracker eaten by Tupac, who is alive and well, wrapped up in a cozy quilt at his cabin in the Yukon. His entourage is small these days, consisting of 3 wolves, 2 Inuit, and a long white bone whom he calls Todd. But Todd isn’t just some random bone. He was once a mighty femur belonging to a headless gorilla that wandered the Pacific Northwest, trying on different heads, going berserk when they didn’t fit. They never fit.

He must have decapitated 300 campers and their families before he died while bathing in a waterfall near Vancouver. You see, his neck hole was always dirty, and it needed to be cleaned regularly. And during a routine hole wash, a sturgeon managed to get stuck in his chuckhole. The thrashing fishtail-headed gorilla choked to death.


His body floated some ways before a group of teenagers found him. They got high and took pictures with the rotting corpse until it wasn’t funny anymore. Then the wolves arrived. They left only bones. The leader of the pack took the femur with him as a souvenir of their rare find. Then it was off to Tupac's cabin.

Tupac likes wolves and wolves like Tupac. And when the lead wolf set the gorilla femur at Tupac's feet, a covenant was undertaken. The wolves signed a 20 year binding contract to serve as the exclusive watch dogs for his Yukon compound. And in turn, the wolves gained studio access and microwave privileges.


Todd received his name on a night when some drunken polar bears were being way too loud, disturbing Tupac's sleep. He grabbed the femur and struck their rowdy bear skulls with graceful flair, receiving oohs and ahhs from caribou nearby. Acknowledging their admiration, Pac bowed courteously and went back to bed, leaving a wake of polar bear blood behind him. Before going to sleep, he thanked the femur for its loyalty, declared it to be his new ally, bestowed the name Todd unto it, and licked the bone clean.

Pac, the wolves, the Inuit, and Todd live in the Yukon to this day, with enough love to fill multiple lifetimes. On the real.


1 comment:

Scotch and Salad said...

"tupac likes wolves and wolves like tupac." love it.