Candy Land Panagramic Message Service: Full Service Stops

Wake Up Mr. Mint Or Dear God The Gin Is Gone.

I awoke to the sound of glass breaking. The only reason I was upset was because of the delicate nature of my stomach at the moment. I knew one wrong move and last night's gin harvest, along with my peppermint chicken tacos from TacoHell, would come out. Why the fuck can't I get one non-mint flavored item? I feel like Midas but without any curses. I don't have a childhood. All I remember is this mint hellhole and serving bratty children life stories when their parents get divorced or they need confidence or some shit.




Rolling over proved to be more hazardous than I thought. The bottle I was nursing last night to forget that I'm in this shit hole, forever, also makes an effective arm cutter when you are trying to get out of bed and not puke. Yeah. One big happy Candy Land. There is no justice.

(via Nuglife)

After my morning Mint Beer, Day Old Mint Eggs, and a good cry, I watched the blood trickle down and felt...alive. I tentatively tasted it. Copper with bready undertones. It was incredible. I can't remember the last time I haven't had that sickly sweet mint taint.

I cut more to eat a meal that wasn't something scrounged from lollipop trees or family friendly gummy chicken.

Hours later, laying in a mess of my own blood and Mr. Mint Baby Batter™, I heard a knock at my door. I knew my next meal, or any meal, wouldn't have that foul taint ever again.

10 Dumb YouTube Clips For Stupid Idiots

All I want, besides an 8x10 autographed dick pic from Laurence Fishburne, is to be a good person, and to do the right thing. If I was walking across a bridge and saw a woman drowning, I'd ask her if she needed anything, then I'd tip my hat and walk away. That's just who I am.



1. Holy shit, this is some cool fucking shit! Watch the whole thing because it's not what you think. It just looks like some cretin putting his cellie in a microwave, but it's so much more. Courtesy of http://www.no-evil.net/ , a cell phone company with an original, albeit warped, marketing technique.

I once put a fork in the microwave and the sound was unearthly. Mostly bzzzrtttrrtt and portal closure sounds. Try it right now. Time's wasting, go and put a tin of ravioli in the zap box. For Wilbur.


2. Don't huff paint, kids.



3. I wanna be in the Russian military so bad. Then again...


People always ask me what my deal with Russia is, and why my depiction of Russia is that of a frozen wasteland filled with criminals and drunks. Well, my fascination with Russia is primarily the product of an overactive imagination, snippets of news about Russia, and my own personal preconceptions about all of Eastern Europe.

I do this a lot, if you haven't noticed. I treat my own thoughts as if they were reality, because a) it doesn't hurt anybody, b) it beats reality, and c) it's really amusing. I have never been to, or plan on going to Russia. Everything is strictly based on my own pretend mythology.

I see Russia as a crumbling frat house of poverty and abandoned hope. Just as I see Japan as Candy Land. From what I gather, Russians don't have a built-in guilt mechanism that so many people, like myself, struggle with. This intrigues me, and makes me jealous. I worry too much about stupid shit. If I were Russian, I'd have 10 kids from 11 different mothers, and 10 AK-47's. I'd spend most of my time with the AK's, and I wouldn't feel bad about it, because it's my life, and it's all completely normal.

In conclusion, Russia is an apocalyptic wasteland where destitute drunks and soulless criminals fuck and fight each other, guilt-free. Moving on...


4. Who says old people can't do anything cool? Well, I do, but this wheelchair-bound fossil proves me wrong. Screw your doctor's advice, Zelda. Pop off a few rounds to remind yourself that you're alive! You stand or sit for something, dammit! USA! USA! USA!



5. This is so stupid, so stupid, so fucking stupid! Why is it my favorite thing ever? Why have I seen it a dozen times in a row? I think it's the Coolio hair, the blank expression on his face, and the abject stupidity of the whole thing. And the fact that I'm watching it is funny by itself.



6. Hockey fight! Aaron Downey vs. Jesse Boulerice. A lot of preparation, then bam! One punch knockout. The announcer calls it a "punch in the face contest". Well put. (FYI, I really like hockey. No joke)

Some insightful people posted comments on YouTube about it.
Here's a gem from XxX44SMITH55XxX:

"Who shuved a 11 inch dick in your mouth? I couldnt understand what you said? Please take it out!"
...How profound.

7. Don't ask me, I don't fucking know anymore. I'll be in the shame pavilion if you need me.



8. Technoviking. Straight classic. His majesty arrives 38 seconds in.

Sugaragus was the one that showed it to me first, and I thank him for spreading the gospel.


9. Short and simple, yet effective. I know it's kind of America's Funniest Home Videos-esque, but what do you want? Leave me alone.



10. Gettin' revenge on redneck pisslip dirt-dicks. This has to be the sweetest feeling in all of southwestern Missouri. Stick with this video till about 4:15, when it gets righteous. (I can't tell if this is real or staged, but I like it anyway)




Monty will be back tomorrow for another round of horseplay, poppycock, and tomfoolery.