Wednesday, September 3, 2008

10 Dumb YouTube Clips For Stupid Idiots

All I want, besides an 8x10 autographed dick pic from Laurence Fishburne, is to be a good person, and to do the right thing. If I was walking across a bridge and saw a woman drowning, I'd ask her if she needed anything, then I'd tip my hat and walk away. That's just who I am.

1. Holy shit, this is some cool fucking shit! Watch the whole thing because it's not what you think. It just looks like some cretin putting his cellie in a microwave, but it's so much more. Courtesy of , a cell phone company with an original, albeit warped, marketing technique.

I once put a fork in the microwave and the sound was unearthly. Mostly bzzzrtttrrtt and portal closure sounds. Try it right now. Time's wasting, go and put a tin of ravioli in the zap box. For Wilbur.

2. Don't huff paint, kids.

3. I wanna be in the Russian military so bad. Then again...

People always ask me what my deal with Russia is, and why my depiction of Russia is that of a frozen wasteland filled with criminals and drunks. Well, my fascination with Russia is primarily the product of an overactive imagination, snippets of news about Russia, and my own personal preconceptions about all of Eastern Europe.

I do this a lot, if you haven't noticed. I treat my own thoughts as if they were reality, because a) it doesn't hurt anybody, b) it beats reality, and c) it's really amusing. I have never been to, or plan on going to Russia. Everything is strictly based on my own pretend mythology.

I see Russia as a crumbling frat house of poverty and abandoned hope. Just as I see Japan as Candy Land. From what I gather, Russians don't have a built-in guilt mechanism that so many people, like myself, struggle with. This intrigues me, and makes me jealous. I worry too much about stupid shit. If I were Russian, I'd have 10 kids from 11 different mothers, and 10 AK-47's. I'd spend most of my time with the AK's, and I wouldn't feel bad about it, because it's my life, and it's all completely normal.

In conclusion, Russia is an apocalyptic wasteland where destitute drunks and soulless criminals fuck and fight each other, guilt-free. Moving on...

4. Who says old people can't do anything cool? Well, I do, but this wheelchair-bound fossil proves me wrong. Screw your doctor's advice, Zelda. Pop off a few rounds to remind yourself that you're alive! You stand or sit for something, dammit! USA! USA! USA!

5. This is so stupid, so stupid, so fucking stupid! Why is it my favorite thing ever? Why have I seen it a dozen times in a row? I think it's the Coolio hair, the blank expression on his face, and the abject stupidity of the whole thing. And the fact that I'm watching it is funny by itself.

Hockey fight! Aaron Downey vs. Jesse Boulerice. A lot of preparation, then bam! One punch knockout. The announcer calls it a "punch in the face contest". Well put. (FYI, I really like hockey. No joke)

Some insightful people posted comments on YouTube about it.
Here's a gem from XxX44SMITH55XxX:

"Who shuved a 11 inch dick in your mouth? I couldnt understand what you said? Please take it out!"
...How profound.

7. Don't ask me, I don't fucking know anymore. I'll be in the shame pavilion if you need me.

8. Technoviking. Straight classic. His majesty arrives 38 seconds in.

Sugaragus was the one that showed it to me first, and I thank him for spreading the gospel.

9. Short and simple, yet effective. I know it's kind of America's Funniest Home Videos-esque, but what do you want? Leave me alone.

Gettin' revenge on redneck pisslip dirt-dicks. This has to be the sweetest feeling in all of southwestern Missouri. Stick with this video till about 4:15, when it gets righteous. (I can't tell if this is real or staged, but I like it anyway)

will be back tomorrow for another round of horseplay, poppycock, and tomfoolery.

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