That's So Russian!

Who wants to bet on the number of potatoes consumed by this monster in its lifetime?

Hint: Look at its fingers.

Free Mumia with Purchase of Medium Drink

Personal rambling time, folks. Search for the hidden nuggets of wisdom!

I'm writing this at 3:19 in the afternoon, which is different for me. I don't know when I'll finish, but the bulk will be written during the daylight hours.

My blogs usually get written deep into the night, because I happen to be an insomniac and can't stop my brain from gurgling. The two overall feelings that I get in the late hours are:

a) comfort, well-being, and happiness resulting in comically imaginative thoughts.


and

b) doubt, sadness, and anger resulting in resentment of my peculiar ways.



It's one or the other, as middles don't exist in my cerebrospinal fluid encased brain stalk.



Even though I get isolated and depressed sometimes, nighttime is when I feel the most comfortable. Everything is still, a pleasant contrast to the chaos of daytime. There's always shit to be done during the day, and there seem to be thousands of positive possible outcomes in the air. Positive possibilities suck, because they never become realized. This is what's known as disappointment. The sister of failure.

During the day, people pack the streets as they run errands, hurry to their jobs, and get their fill of vitamin D. I hate the daytime. Correction, I hate daytime in the city, as I imagine that daytime in the countryside brings less commotion with it... I just plain don't like seeing people walking around, ignoring you as they go about their business. Cars are everywhere, same with the horrendously gigantic presence of buses spewing black exhaust and screeching that interrupts all thought processes. People walking their dogs, hurriedly scurrying past, scared that you might actually pet their beloved Mr. Sprinkles. It's all so disheartening and overwhelming.



I've always thought that if it were acceptable to work from 10pm till 6am, I'd be gainfully employed by now. But no respectable company has hours like that, and they're sure as hell not thinking about cutting a schlemiel some slack with regards to their business hours.

I'm at my best conversationally and creatively from 10pm until I fall asleep around 4am. The atmosphere of night plays a large part in the general unhurried and natural mood I ease into.



Nighttime is quiet. Old people are in bed or too scared to go outside. Less people are frolicking about obnoxiously. I can enjoy the city without the berserk bombardment of audio and visual warfare. I think this is why post-apocalyptic fiction and films appeal to me. I love the architecture, surroundings, and character of Chicago, but I wish all the people would vanish. Where's the rapture when you need it?



It is now 8pm. The skies have darkened. I've been writing sentences here and there in between a trip to the post office and staring out the window with some music playing. With the exception of Lee, I'm the youngest old man in Chicago. We're practically in a dead heat...

...Back into the night...

I get stressed by obligations, and there are always less obligations at night, unless you happen to be a werewolf. There's no one to call except friends. I feel uninhibited and without shame for my slacking because there is nothing that can be accomplished in the normal realm at 2 in the morning. Less pressure to be somebody, more time to contemplate and do what I want freely. It almost feels like no one is watching. As most adolescents know, all the best shit happens when there is a breach in supervision.



Maybe I need to get a grip and be more mature, but have you talked to your friends that are responsible, married, have kids, or have careers? They're unanimously miserable. I'd rather feel guilty for what I'm not than to be bitter about what I've become. I know that a livable balance can be achieved, but no one I know has this theoretical harmony implemented in any way. Maybe it takes time and patience to get the balance right. But by the time that happens, I'll have morphed into Billy Crystal.



It is now 10:20pm.

I would have been a great caveman. Minus having to hunt all the time and smelling like a Russian hockey locker room, being a caveman would be so up my alley. Fires, fighting, fucking, grunting, bone necklaces, infant mortality, and wolf riding would be so fucking cool. Besides finding shelter, there are no responsibilities and no choices to be made. Having too many choices really fucks me up. Hell, I get paralyzed looking at the cereal aisle in a grocery store.

Telling stories by the fire would be so jazz. I could tell stories about the King Coyote and Hell Hawks. Everybody would get spooked when a hawk cried out or a coyote howled, and I'd laugh while reassuring everyone that I possess forcefield amulets that protect them from the beasts I've conjured. Oh, to have no obligations, little if any clothing, and die at 30 as the clan elder. That would be a life worth living.



(Have you noticed a difference in tone between day Kid Douche and night Kid Douche?)


But until time machines become affordable and safe, I'm stuck thinking about life out in the vast countryside. House pushed way back from the road, neighbors half a mile away, and all the quiet stillness I desire.

10 Dumb YouTube Clips For Stupid Idiots

All I want, besides an 8x10 autographed dick pic from Laurence Fishburne, is to be a good person, and to do the right thing. If I was walking across a bridge and saw a woman drowning, I'd ask her if she needed anything, then I'd tip my hat and walk away. That's just who I am.



1. Holy shit, this is some cool fucking shit! Watch the whole thing because it's not what you think. It just looks like some cretin putting his cellie in a microwave, but it's so much more. Courtesy of http://www.no-evil.net/ , a cell phone company with an original, albeit warped, marketing technique.

I once put a fork in the microwave and the sound was unearthly. Mostly bzzzrtttrrtt and portal closure sounds. Try it right now. Time's wasting, go and put a tin of ravioli in the zap box. For Wilbur.


2. Don't huff paint, kids.



3. I wanna be in the Russian military so bad. Then again...


People always ask me what my deal with Russia is, and why my depiction of Russia is that of a frozen wasteland filled with criminals and drunks. Well, my fascination with Russia is primarily the product of an overactive imagination, snippets of news about Russia, and my own personal preconceptions about all of Eastern Europe.

I do this a lot, if you haven't noticed. I treat my own thoughts as if they were reality, because a) it doesn't hurt anybody, b) it beats reality, and c) it's really amusing. I have never been to, or plan on going to Russia. Everything is strictly based on my own pretend mythology.

I see Russia as a crumbling frat house of poverty and abandoned hope. Just as I see Japan as Candy Land. From what I gather, Russians don't have a built-in guilt mechanism that so many people, like myself, struggle with. This intrigues me, and makes me jealous. I worry too much about stupid shit. If I were Russian, I'd have 10 kids from 11 different mothers, and 10 AK-47's. I'd spend most of my time with the AK's, and I wouldn't feel bad about it, because it's my life, and it's all completely normal.

In conclusion, Russia is an apocalyptic wasteland where destitute drunks and soulless criminals fuck and fight each other, guilt-free. Moving on...


4. Who says old people can't do anything cool? Well, I do, but this wheelchair-bound fossil proves me wrong. Screw your doctor's advice, Zelda. Pop off a few rounds to remind yourself that you're alive! You stand or sit for something, dammit! USA! USA! USA!



5. This is so stupid, so stupid, so fucking stupid! Why is it my favorite thing ever? Why have I seen it a dozen times in a row? I think it's the Coolio hair, the blank expression on his face, and the abject stupidity of the whole thing. And the fact that I'm watching it is funny by itself.



6. Hockey fight! Aaron Downey vs. Jesse Boulerice. A lot of preparation, then bam! One punch knockout. The announcer calls it a "punch in the face contest". Well put. (FYI, I really like hockey. No joke)

Some insightful people posted comments on YouTube about it.
Here's a gem from XxX44SMITH55XxX:

"Who shuved a 11 inch dick in your mouth? I couldnt understand what you said? Please take it out!"
...How profound.

7. Don't ask me, I don't fucking know anymore. I'll be in the shame pavilion if you need me.



8. Technoviking. Straight classic. His majesty arrives 38 seconds in.

Sugaragus was the one that showed it to me first, and I thank him for spreading the gospel.


9. Short and simple, yet effective. I know it's kind of America's Funniest Home Videos-esque, but what do you want? Leave me alone.



10. Gettin' revenge on redneck pisslip dirt-dicks. This has to be the sweetest feeling in all of southwestern Missouri. Stick with this video till about 4:15, when it gets righteous. (I can't tell if this is real or staged, but I like it anyway)




Monty will be back tomorrow for another round of horseplay, poppycock, and tomfoolery.

Coffee Line Problems, Penitentiary Bound

I was standing in line to get some coffee today at a local cafe. Two businessmen walked in and proceeded to rap loudly about their 401k and stock options. I responded by clenching my hands into fists, taking a deep breath, and telling myself that murder is a felony. That particular felony earns ya 8 years in the clink. I just saw the movie Penitentiary at Monty's Baseball Soup's place (awkward sentence), and didn't want to end up with a softened skull whilst serving time.


Penitentiary. Great long scene with a madman either foaming at the mouth or shaving, I can't tell which. He just wants to see people's asses. Rent it as soon as possible, if you're into glistening incarcerated men.


So I waited the obnoxious loudmouths out, and I got my coffee to go.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that's the stuff Unkie Bri-Bri would kill a statue for.


And sure, it tasted way better because of my agony. But I still felt like this:

(via Hamburger Eyes)


This always makes me feel better. I'm completely serious. I just imagine what it might feel like to be a Russian child wearing a lion costume on the subway. This is one of my favorite "not funny" pictures.



Bonus scene!

From one of the best movies ever made, Five Easy Pieces. Jack Nicholson calmly blows his fuse while ordering an omelette and toast. This is probably the scene that got him the role of Jack Torrance in The Shining. When Stanley Kubrick saw this scene, he stood up in the theater and was like, "Sheeeeiiitt, peanut! That white boy goes from simmering anger to outright violence in point oh-shit seconds! That muffucka gotz to be my new nephew! Brain stem!"




Side note: Did you know that Stanley Kubrick was a member of the militant 70's group, the Blackface Panthers? It's a fact. Huge racist. More posts later tonight. I got way lots of time and many tricks up my bathrobe.

Russia Invades Georgia, Outkast Escapes Unharmed

As I'm writing this, Russia is invading Georgia. Confirmed reports state that Big Boi and Andre 3000 of Outkast have been shuttled to a bunker until order is restored. They have reinforcements and will be safe, so don't worry, folks.

But seriously, c'mon Russia. What, are you guys sick of wrestling bears and drinking vodka from hollowed out potatoes? Why you gotta pick on Georgia? Is it their mascot, the late Uga VI?



In all seriousness, though...it's really alarming to see Russia flex their military muscle like this. Hopefully we won't get pulled into the conflict, but I don't believe that is possible, what with all our troops in the Middle East.

So I guess it's back to the old Ivan Drago-style Russia. Crushing opposition and generally acting without heart. Here we go again.


Here's a map of the region


Here's some carnage

Russia Pt. 1

Nothing beats Russia for pure insanity. If you don't believe me, check this out. Or this. Considering the fact that the Russian countryside is littered with poverty, alcoholism runs rampant, an oppressive government is renewing its power, and winter never ends, Russians will be lucky to survive the 21st century. But one thing's for certain, them's some wacky folk.


Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin enjoys feeding his beloved goat and military czar, Vladonka. Handi Snacks and a good chin rub usually produces key decisions regarding Chechen rebels.



Former Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev calling the salami nipples hot line


Russia ranks just below Guatemala in quality of daycare facilities


Kiddie gulags. A reminder of the brutal tactics used to quell uprisings during the Soviet era. These babies are in for drawing giraffes, an animal Stalin was known to hate.



Did I mention that Russia has a bit of a drinking problem?


80 years after his death, Lenin's still got game


Drunken street Tai Chi is the new pilates


Looking into beehives is a traditional Russian pastime


Slow motion glue-sniffing parties are all the rage in Moscow



"I hope no one notices the turtle that I harbor in my coat pocket. He has taken a shit. I am depressed."


I can't wait to visit Russia





to be continued...