Coming Too Soon to DVD

Morrissey and the Chocolate Harmonica
(Rated PG-13 for brief melting)

(via Grow a Brain)


Handle With Care
A heartwarming, against all odds tale about an 8-year-old boy's quest to be Kentucky's top snake handler.




AVCCL: Alien Versus Carnival Cruise Lines

Shit and Other Crap, Mostly Bullshit

I totally forgot that Monty was up in Michigan this weekend, visiting his creature skins. That explains the map he gave me...



...and the axiom he made me recite




I was supposed to do something for him while he was up there, but I can't remember and haven't done whatever I'd promised to do. Now I feel like an asshole, all brown and sticky. Like a chocolate cake left in a sauna.



I'm bored. I feel less like chocolate covered crab legs, and more like an albino wolf, alone in the forest, with badgers raining down walnuts upon his soft white skull. They sit high up on their wooden perches, snickering, with bowls full of nuts to hurl at him. His name is Snow Glow Lonesome. He writes, too...

"I'm so hungry, but the wolf code prohibits the eating of food thrown in anger or for the purposes of ridicule. So I must travel in hunger, waiting for a rabbit to drop its guard. And I've read Watership Down, so I'm well prepared. It's only a matter of time before I snag a hare, pop the meat in my tum-tum, and head to the Lupine Jazz Festival out in Pittsburgh. My wife died three months ago...she ate a bag of Chips Ahoy! I didn't want to add the exclamation point to Chips Ahoy!, being that my wife was poisoned by it, but that's the name of the cookie, and being grammatically correct is also a part of the wolf code. Canines can't have chocolate. They just can't."


Speaking of chocolate, check these chocolate newborns out. I eat mine on the bus. They taste better when people stare.

Weird


Disturbing


No, NO, NO!


"Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side!"




In other chocolate news... brown candy.

9 out of 10 curious youngsters near fences agree, moist chocolate cake pieces resemble poo from the Iron Age. A rift in time has opened and dark matter spews forth. Time to watch E.T. again, kids. This time, E.T. is a jive talking Polish man with down syndrome, and Elliot runs a funeral home for geese... hey, that's enough, Tyler. Put it down!





I saw an old man eating a garlic cheese croissant at the airport the other day. It was all tongue and shivers and teeth. I couldn't stifle a smirk, and I wanted to laugh out loud, because it's 5:30 in the morning, and this old white man (OWM) is struggling to find his mouth.



Chocolate Messiah is a Zelig-like figure, always in the right place at the right time. I came across his website as I was surfing (weeeeeee!) images of melted chocolate for the purposes of humor and lightheartedness. It's all about syrup and Speedos with this guy, so I won't be drinking his mess with a curly straw any time soon. No, sir.





Looking through hundreds of images of chocolate does a number on one's brain.



Sorry.


Here's a palate cleanser.


Ahhaaahha! Guns are hilarious!

Iggy Pop Ape and Ladies' Night

I promised somebody I'd make this (no I didn't) and my word is bond:

(ape body belongs to Kanzi)


On a different note, I don't think this blog is getting the female readership I'm so obviously courting. Ladies probably don't cotton to my opinions on children, so I figure I should add some potpourri to this stinkhole, maybe light some candles, eat a lot of Ben & Jerry's, and let my feminine side gallop about like the unicorns of yore.

Many women have a natural affinity for children. It's true. And women also like men who like kids. True as well. And can you blame them? I mean, they are so cute, right? What with their small, human-like features, it's like you've summoned beautiful goblins that depend on you for crap. Women like goblins, too. It's a fact. Plus, with their pea-sized intellects, children are liable to say the funniest shit ever and not even know it.


Show your lady that you care about kids by building a playground



Women also love chocolate and sweets. This is because chocolate contains phenylethylamine - the same chemical that is released in your brain when you fall in love. The sweetness in chocolate triggers the release of endorphins, which creates a happy feeling. Endorphins are also responsible for the "runner's high". But don't tell your girlfriend, because she'll quit her daily runs and gorge on chocolate, acquire diabetes, lose a leg, and roll around in a wheelchair for 3 miserable years until she "accidentally" falls in the pool when no one is around... Here's some tasty cakes that'll make your girlfriend's mouth water.





(the last two cakes are from Auckland Cake Art)

That's all for now, my labia are killing me.