Hey Kid, Want Some Candy?

I hate kids, with exceptions for Kid from Kid 'n Play and the movie Kids. They're loud, obnoxious, need movie plots explained, and can't take a punch. And they get upset too easily, like when when a perfectly nice guy with dreadlocks tries to abduct them. For fuck's sake, grow up!


Every time I look at my testicles, no doubt chock full of my potent seed, I contemplate what would happen if I were to impregnate a purdy woman. The consequences of my fertilization would be far reaching and catastrophic to my current lifestyle, which resembles an episode of DuckTales.

It would be very hard for me to let go of that, especially for a little turd that would probably try to murder me when he's 15. But that's if the kid lives to be 15. The booby trapped playpen and general neglect will likely finish him off by the time he turns 3. And the fact that I'm gonna name him Dracula will surely make his school days difficult. The downside would be that if he survives my terrorism, then he is probably tougher and more cunning than me, thus leaving me open to the classic cobra in the pillowcase trick. He'll hover over me as I convulse and curl into a death ball, cobra venom coursing through my veins, and he'll laugh a hearty laugh knowing that justice has been served.

This is a warning to my future son, Dracula. Take note, son:







Lord give me the strength to think of something else when I look at my slightly larger left nut and its lil' buddy to the right. Sheeeeeit... I might as well resign myself to the fact that I'll eventually have more kids than Ol' Dirty Bastard.


But maybe, just maybe...my kids will turn out to be as cool as these little fuckers. Just looking at 'em gives me a shred of hope.

Kid 'n Play

Kid 'n Play, a late 80's/early 90's hip-hop and comedy duo, started off life as ducklings hatched by a really suave duck from the Bronx named Philippe. Phillipe soon abandoned his brood to pursue a career in car battery installation.


They had a relatively normal duckling childhood, eating bread and diving underwater in ponds. But as soon as they heard Run DMC on the radio, their days of hustling old men for popcorn were over forever.


One of their early demo tapes happened to fall into the hands of Dr. Rodriguez


An accomplished scientist and luchador, Dr. Rodriguez was working on a top secret project for NASA that would send animals into space and then remotely change them into humans. Kid 'n Play would be his first, and last test subjects.


After their experimental transformation was deemed a success, Dr. Rodriguez got rough with Kid in an episode witnesses characterized as muy malo. The rap community moved swiftly to help their beleaguered brethren, and Kid 'n Play escaped Dr. Rodriguez' jungle compound aided by KRS-ONE.


The rest is history...



Their dance moves were unparalleled, showcased in the American film classic House Party.


The Count was talking shit about the Kid 'n Play's dance moves, saying they were neither dope nor fly. So, Kid 'n Play made an unannounced visit to the set of Sesame Street. Mr. Snuffleupagus hasn't uttered a word since the incident.


The House Party films caused unrest among Filipino youths


Inspired by the film Eraserhead, Kid wore his hair like this for several years in order to get a part in a David Lynch film. He succeeded, and in 1997, he supplied the voice of Patricia Arquette's talking car in an unseen version of the film Lost Highway.


Kid 'n Play frequently beefed with gravity


Class Act was the bomb!


Play is currently the professor of Say What, Motherfucker?! Studies at Pitt.


While Kid is currently working up the courage to try Chinese food