Hey Kid, Want Some Candy?

I hate kids, with exceptions for Kid from Kid 'n Play and the movie Kids. They're loud, obnoxious, need movie plots explained, and can't take a punch. And they get upset too easily, like when when a perfectly nice guy with dreadlocks tries to abduct them. For fuck's sake, grow up!


Every time I look at my testicles, no doubt chock full of my potent seed, I contemplate what would happen if I were to impregnate a purdy woman. The consequences of my fertilization would be far reaching and catastrophic to my current lifestyle, which resembles an episode of DuckTales.

It would be very hard for me to let go of that, especially for a little turd that would probably try to murder me when he's 15. But that's if the kid lives to be 15. The booby trapped playpen and general neglect will likely finish him off by the time he turns 3. And the fact that I'm gonna name him Dracula will surely make his school days difficult. The downside would be that if he survives my terrorism, then he is probably tougher and more cunning than me, thus leaving me open to the classic cobra in the pillowcase trick. He'll hover over me as I convulse and curl into a death ball, cobra venom coursing through my veins, and he'll laugh a hearty laugh knowing that justice has been served.

This is a warning to my future son, Dracula. Take note, son:







Lord give me the strength to think of something else when I look at my slightly larger left nut and its lil' buddy to the right. Sheeeeeit... I might as well resign myself to the fact that I'll eventually have more kids than Ol' Dirty Bastard.


But maybe, just maybe...my kids will turn out to be as cool as these little fuckers. Just looking at 'em gives me a shred of hope.