Monday, December 15, 2008

Letters From an Afflicted Admirer : Part 2

I introduced a weirdo the other day. Troubled Tony. He messaged my friend Kellie via myspace, and the things he wrote were like malignant drips of sap from the madness tree.

Here's another unedited (except the name) message...

Date: Jan 20, 2008 6:49 PM

Subject: RE: shrak vs. tomatoe

It's too bad that I cre ep you out a little. It's too bad that I can't come over right now to fly kites with you instead of writing these retarded messages. I creep out a lot of people including myself. I can easily be so much creepier. I'm not that creepy. I can be pretty charming also.

Sometimes I just don't use much tact.

Because I know your a bit crazy; I thought that maybe you would succumb to my crazy wild desires. I really only wanted to try and be friends. But then I was thinking that if you were single, maybe we could try to be something more. Because I would really like a serious long term sort of or forever type of girlfriend or a very special temporary short term girlfriend.

But I don't want just anyone, I only want someone who is perfect. Like you. I think your perfect because you write the best poetry, your a talented artist, the way you see the world I find so intriguing, and your the most beautiful creature I've ever seen practically I think. With out a doubt actually because you always have the best hair and complexion and make up. Inside and outside I think you are quite special. It feels good to be desired. So I hope your flattered at least. And not disgusted.

I do really like you. I think that it's fine. I'll find someone to fly kites with sometime. Usually, lately 2 to 4 girls a week ask me for my phone number. I usually don't ask them for theirs though. I haven't found any that I am really about but I'm sure eventually I will. A swimsuit model was calling me a lot even. But then she left the country and I don't think she's back yet. So, I am sort of struggling for girls at the moment because I just can't seem to find one that is good for me. But I'm not too worried. I'm just getting so bored. Sorry for sending you such odd requests and messages. And for rambling.

I hope we can still talk sometime in the far future. Maybe someday we can fly a kite together or something. I wont mail you anything though. Because I don't want to be creepy. And I doubt that when ever I feel like communicating with you that I would be sane. I just can't see into the future that far. And I'm usually perceived as the opposite of sane in reality and writing. At least I'm not violent. So what evers good. I hope your well.

With utmost courtesy and respect,
Troubled Tony

..."At least I'm not violent."

Great line, pity boner. If you have to assure somebody that you're not crazy, you're probably crazy.

And why don't you string together a paragraph that doesn't contradict itself in frightening ways while you're at it? That's my rhetorical question to you, Troubled Tony.


....That's all I got this week, because I'll be in Miami till Sunday.

Perhaps Monty has something cooking on his sticky stove to feed y'all while I'm gone.

Smell ya next week, zap flaps!

1 comment:

Pancake Master said...

Man, I'd be willing to give this guy a pass on at least a marginal level if he didn't use "your" to mean "you're" with such frequency.

But you're right. Dog Dick.