Thursday, March 12, 2009

Old Style


It begins in November and lasts through March. The cold. The reclusiveness. Leaving my apartment is a struggle. And now it's the bleak month before the thaw. And still, the cold lingers like a fart in an elevator. Throw in a couple nice days of false spring, and then back to misery.

I crave warmth. I long for this...


Yeah, I'm complaining about the weather. I'm a lonely old man in failing health, sitting on the porch waiting for the grim reaper to take what's his. And as an elderly man, I have opinions about everything. For instance...

Gay marriage - Best thing that ever happened to me was when my wife got snakebit and fell dead.

Immigration - If you're cool, come on in. No Filipinos.

Flag Burning - Keeps me warm.

Sean Connery - I bet he smells nice.

Construction workers - Stop building shit. Go to law school like everybody else.

Whiskey - Makes tennis really fun.

Getting dizzy - Falling down.

Want my opinion? Just ask. I've got all fuckin' day.


Anonymous said...

Gas masks
Ten year olde
Gettysburg address
Other languages
Scarlet johannsen
Scarlet ohara

Kid Douche said...

Unicorn milk cures diabetes.

mike said...

how about a second opinion...

I've lived my whole life woefully without a friend had a foreskin but was tired of the extra TLC and upkeep...we struck a deal and ive been wearing his sheath as a fleshy little dick sweater for about a month...its starting to turn black and leathery and has the consistancy of a california raisin...

my doctor said i should take it off...but i dont want to because its finally starting to fit me...

should i go ahead and sew it on?

what about just at the top? on warm days i might want to let it out for air

...what should i do???!!!???

Kid Douche said...

I advise you to sew a small segment onto the topside of your penis, below the head, like a little cape.