Carl Winslow's Corner: In My Room

Hey gang!

It's your ol' buddy Carl Winslow here.



Wanna know a secret?
I eat nothing but black lemons.




Moldy leftover fruits contain all the nutrients I need to thrive in the hurt-dome. The hurt-dome is my bunk bed. I share it with two dead orangutans. One is Don, who fell out my closet. The other is Lurie... I shot Lurie. Caught him looking at my photos. He knew better. Now, all he knows is my comb, gently teasing his hair. Forever.

The photos I protect are of sad orangutans and their bunk beds.
Have a look...









Yeah, you like what you see, don't ya? Ape emotions + bunk beds = satisfaction. I can stare at these babies for hours. It's too hot in my skin. I hate everybody, including dead people and candy wrappers! Blessed be the man who lights his house on fire with digital righteousness!

Other shit happened since the last time I shared my thoughts with you, children...

Blew my arm off. Regenerated it.
Hang glided into a Pizza Hut. Threw up on the manager.
Googled my name. Cockroaches poured out of the USB port.
Woke up underwater.

Yep. I'm pretty normal once you get to know me. Which you won't.

Until then, you know where to find me. In my room.

Dick You, Bitch! Stop Me!

Once, when my son and I were hunting, I followed a gazelle, leaving my child to tend to our donkeys.

A She-ghoul swooped out of nowhere and ate my child.

A week went by, and when Friday came, a stranger raised his tent pole not far from my village.

He emerged from his shelter one night and wandered into a saloon.

“This is truly a fine moonlight night for a drinking bout,” he proclaimed, “It quite reminds me of the night when Prince Kang feasted at Pear-Blossom Island.”

I asked him if he was hungry, and on receiving no answer, pushed some food over towards him. The stranger immediately set to feeding himself by handfuls, and in no time a shoulder of pork and a quantity of boiled dumplings had disappeared.

His appetite was appeased and he turned to thank me, saying, “For three years I haven’t had such a meal.” He then drew a short sword from his belt, and, tapping the blade with his fingers, began to accompany it with a song.

The song put me to sleep and upon opening my eyes I was among the clouds, and around me was a fleecy atmosphere. Jumping up in great alarm, I felt giddy as if I had been at sea, and underneath my feet I found a soft, yielding substance unlike the earth.

“I am the Arcturus star," the stranger said. "Your friendship is cherished by me. Truly our destinies are knitted together, and I will repay your kindness by becoming your son.”

I said to him, “If you really are one of those wonderful creatures, you will be able to get me anything I want; and I should be much obliged if you would begin by giving me five ounces of silver."

Upon making my request, I was carried away by a typhoon. After being tossed about for many days and nights I arrived at a country where the people were hideously ugly.

Looking in a mirror, I saw an awful sight. I soon realized that the image in the looking glass was my own face. My eyeballs protruded, my beard curled up like a hedgehog, my ears drooped forward in flaps, and I had three nostrils.

It is a wise rule to resist the beginnings of evil.

Then My Beloved Dog Had Become No Longer New

I had a favorite toy. It was a huge soft clown, in full growth.

At the forest outside the temple, I lost my toy.

The way it happened seemed strange, and by-and-by I reached a city which resembled the capital of a prince.

Whereupon I felt a pain in my left eye as if something was being split, and in a moment I found that I could see tables and chairs in a room.

A man was selling his pears in the room. They were unusually sweet and fine flavored, and the price he asked was high.

It was just the time of the new moon, and by its feeble light I was able to make out the face of this man.

“If there are any goblins or foxes,” said the man, “I’ll catch them for you.”

I laughed to myself at the nonsense he talked, spread my mat upon the floor, put a stone under my head for a pillow, and lay down to sleep.

(via Peter Tybus)

In the morning a lad came in to light a fire.

We rode on horseback together until we had reached a village thickly shaded with trees, so that the sun and sky were invisible overhead, and entered into a most elaborately-decorated mansion, such as might belong to an old-established family.

Looking round, I could see that the house had disappeared, and that its place was occupied by a huge mound and a bottomless pit.

“You know,” said the young lad, “I am not a man but a fox. Today we shall be attacked by thunder."

I replied, “How dares this pig-boy fellow behave thus?"

So away he went, his eyes glaring like a devil’s.

From that time, I was left in peace; but my wife became very thin, she shortly afterwards died of consumption.

I then took a concubine, and had one son, who became in time a distinguished man.