Carl Winslow's Corner: In My Room

Hey gang!

It's your ol' buddy Carl Winslow here.



Wanna know a secret?
I eat nothing but black lemons.




Moldy leftover fruits contain all the nutrients I need to thrive in the hurt-dome. The hurt-dome is my bunk bed. I share it with two dead orangutans. One is Don, who fell out my closet. The other is Lurie... I shot Lurie. Caught him looking at my photos. He knew better. Now, all he knows is my comb, gently teasing his hair. Forever.

The photos I protect are of sad orangutans and their bunk beds.
Have a look...









Yeah, you like what you see, don't ya? Ape emotions + bunk beds = satisfaction. I can stare at these babies for hours. It's too hot in my skin. I hate everybody, including dead people and candy wrappers! Blessed be the man who lights his house on fire with digital righteousness!

Other shit happened since the last time I shared my thoughts with you, children...

Blew my arm off. Regenerated it.
Hang glided into a Pizza Hut. Threw up on the manager.
Googled my name. Cockroaches poured out of the USB port.
Woke up underwater.

Yep. I'm pretty normal once you get to know me. Which you won't.

Until then, you know where to find me. In my room.

Weird, Odd, Strange, & Plus

Howdy, pilgrims.

Our site tracker collects data on how people find our site. We've done a few of these in the past. It's amazing that this blog came up first or second when people searched for the terms below. And weird. But I like weird, and if you're reading this, you like weird, too. Ga-gow!




Starting now, I'll do a post on the weirdest search phrases from the previous month. And I will select the first, second, and third best phrases from them all. These are the cream of the crop, people. Enjoy!

Referrals for November

"Arnold Schwarzenegger perm" (It's all the rage in Thailand)

"Andre the Giant was a Jew?" (I wish. But no, he was not. Check my "biography" of him here)

"creepy adult babies"

"fleshlight alien"

"the life of BABE BROTH THE BASEBALL PLAYER" (Babe Broth was underrated)

"hairy douche" (Robin Williams?)

"fleshlight crystal"

"douche for sale" (3rd place)

"clayface nephew" (1st place)

"Kid N Play on Sesame Street"

"fdr was a pig killer" (It's true, he ran 'em over with his wheel chair)

"beginner guitar pack boner"

"douche making lips numb" (don't douche with Novocaine, dummkopf)

"Soup carl" (Daddy?)

"Carlos Zambrano gay" (Say that to his face and discover a world of lasers)

"beard syndrome"

"mumia chipmunk" (2nd place) That gives me an idea...

"washing LSD off clothes" (idiot)

"knee skins sale" (stock up, ma)

"can i put lsd in soup" (yes, but you shouldn't)

"cannibal beach" (romantic honeymoon?)

"KMFDM"+"MUMIA"

"fat guy fleshlight" (no!)

"toronto lsd guide" (The only time I'd consider taking LSD would be at a hockey game up north. Think about all the vapor trails and colors as the players flew around the ice, chasing an insignificant black disk. Oh, the things people do for rubber black disks. How foolish and fun it would all seem on LSD...then again, think of the violent collisions and 20,000 people surrounding me. Freaking out is a definite possibility. I'd have to enlist the aid of a WindMILF...Nah, if I freak out at a hockey game, my brain would forever associate hockey with panic. I love hockey too much to let that happen. Good call, Kid Douche)

"douche pontoon" (all aboard!)

"carl david hyman jr kiddie sex"

"DRAGONBALL Z kamasutra" (Vegeta...eeewwwww)

"put fleshlight inside teddy bear" (Sir, yes, sir!)

"sister and daughter douche sex pictures" (just...no)

And here's a little claymation zombie gore short that I was really impressed with. Good stuff starts around 1:00.


Smeh-hellz ya later, brobrah.

Take Me With You

According to the site tracker for this blog, people came across it by searching Google for:

"Ol' Dirty Bastard"
"spike lee huff paint" (seriously? is there something I should know?)
"Arnold's kid images"
"douches iceberg"
"india freespiritman*" (glad to have him aboard)
"baseball baby and names"
"a lorna doone obama" (I want one)
"gum drop soup" (gimme)
"Anthony Hopkins"
"suckosaurus"
"douche ball"

"Encore!!!" You got it, homey.

Gargling Hydrochloric Acid Is Known To Cure Angel Knees

I finally got onto our site tracker. Here's our google search collection! These are all 100% true.

radio raheem (sure)
adult babies (fucking weird)
deepak chopra sparkle glasses (who doesn't want a pair? $5.99)
ads that i love (me too!)
iggy pop children (so who wants to be a punk rock pedo)
Banksy as a kid (how bout a gangsta)
rodney king beating (what the fuck? this is the third one)
where's kid n play (my house)
kid n play dance moves (my bed)
"white bitches" (ditto)
USS Kid (USS kidfucker)
Jamie Caliri's dragon animation (I have one)
stick it to my wife (and how!)
sassafras lass (this really makes me happy)
three easy steps just flip it and stick it (duh!)

Howard The Duck Has Ruined My Fucking Life

Until recently, I've been trying to decipher Masonic codes hidden within Howard The Duck.


Today, the sanctity of my home was tarnished by these fiends. My life's work has been seen by the eyes of evil. Aware of my plot, they will stop at nothing at all to stop me at all.



They fear I will expose Howard's lies and hidden cryptograms.


So, I heard Neil Diamond is going on tour with Cephalic Carnage. Is that even a fucking joke?


So, recently I've noticed my agoraphobic tendencies seem to be getting worse.


Minnie Mouse knew my pain, because she suffered, too. I live in total fear of most of humanity. The sweating herds strike fear at me even as I gaze out the window from the safety of my home.
I don't get it, really. Living in fear is a total blast and all. and I'm completely aware of how ridiculous it is. Life isn't Mean Girls. Her shirt should say "Rebellious Hope".





Excuse me while I ponder and eat this pirogi. It helps me forget I'm afraid at everything scared.
I paused in writing this to Google hope, and I found out where I'm moving to.


New topic...

I was going to write a fake interview for Obama and McCain. Then I actually thought about how fucking stupid that idea is. The quip that got me thinking about that started with some interview (Rolling Stone, I believe) that listed Obama's favorite music.

"Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder,
Johann Sebastian Bach (cello suites), and The Fugees"

I mean, really? Can you be more generic? Why doesn't he just say "I'M FUCKING BORING". I mean, slip SkrewDriver or Fuck On The Beach in there just to shake things up. Something!

I'm voting for Grindcore in '08


Naturally my idea was to make that question interesting. Something like:

Me: Senator Obama, so we can get to know you better, what kind of music do you like?

Senator Obama: Well, since the mid-eighties post Motorhead thrash movement, I've been really into that style. It gets me pumped for speeches or having wild monkey sex with various indigenous peoples of this great country. You see, Dan, this isn't all that funny. Sure, we're juxtaposing cultural references with nods to metal dork lingo. Great. I mean, I get it. Oh, hardy fucking har! I, the god-damned shining star for this piss-hole country, likes metal. Get a degree, sir.

Vote for me or its all downhill, America. I'm talking total cultural meltdown. Lord of Flies ain't no joke, bitches.

Me: Thanks for berating me imagination.




ITS IMAGINATION NATION TIME:

Imagine a world where one never has to be without a javelin. Hear me out before you consider this insanity. I know it sounds odd. Admittedly, its for one single reason; so I can ask someone.
It deserves it's own line.

"You need a javelin?"

BEAUTEOUS WONDER! I'm sure with every utterance the gods sing! Even the Cain to its Abel, "Would you please hand me my javelin?" still has that ring of joy. I only wish upon everyone the happiness I now have. I'm still taking Zoloft though.


We're all one goats away from madness. It's sort of beautiful that a handful of kilobytes can slowly bring the masses to insanity. Kind of like In The Mouth Of Madness, with more buttholes.

Oh god, I'm actually posting the word butthole. Twice. I always try to pretend like I'm some kind of genius at using filth. As if placing the word "fuck" by a huge word makes it somehow better. The truth is revealed, my maturity is little more than a 5th grader who reads sometimes. Awesome.


Fuck. Yes.


Serious music review time.

Chihei Hatakeyama

Minima Moralia


Amazing minimal drone. Kind of gauzes your ears from life's pain. If butterflies made sounds, it would be his music. I'll keep this short. PEACE

-Monty's Baseball Soup