Minor Beef: Obama Hope Parody

On my way to the suburbs for my bi-monthly (bi-weekly in the winter) visit to my folks' house, I noticed this billboard. And I shook my head clean off my shoulders. This is a real billboard promoting a local TV station's evening "comedy" block.




I pulled over and cried for a good 15 minutes. A passing motorist stopped by and asked if I was alright. I dried my eyes, shot the driver a homicidal stare, and silently pissed in my pants. Yeah, I'm fine.

Obama, Chicago, Street Dancing, and Grant Park

True story time!

I'm burning the midnight oil to churn out this important blog post... Actually, I'm just awake and this post has no significance whatsoever. Here's the scoop...

I've been pretty edgy the past few days because I wanted the election to be over with and for Obama to be crowned already. I texted people jokes about voting for butterscotch and tried to appear stable, but inside my stomach was a knot that would surely kill me if this fucking election dragged on any longer.

That was until around 9pm Chicago time, when I checked the election results and saw that Obama was winning, and Grant Park was going nuts. So I put on my press hat, took along my shitty camera, and went to join the ruckus. Who knows? Maybe I would end up participating in some historical history time. And possibly host an Obama victory orgy (No dice).

Got on the L to the Washington stop, and was quickly absorbed by a dozen or so jubilant black youths chanting "Obama!" and "Yes we can!". It was truly a great scene and I had a smile on my face the whole time. Here's a sampling of our trek from the L station to Grant Park.

I was getting high fives and woo!'s from across the street. There was a tremendous sense of excitement and anticipation. We march on.


Stop...dance...march on

My favorite!


Along the way, I saw 50 people camped out on the stairs of the Art Institute. This guy was among them, and from the look in his eye, I could tell that he was their leader. And yes, that's a fucking pizza box!

I had to take 3 photos of this guy because my flash was all fucked. He stood there grinning in the same spot for a good 45 seconds. I also noted the distinct aroma of marijuana wafting around.

There were hucksters at every corner, selling t-shirts and hats. Some guy was selling cardboard Obama stand ups. There was also a guy selling Obama slide whistles. I'm not kidding!

What's going on with the lady in the lower right corner? Is that a smile or is there a scorpion in her blouse?


There was a little pot party going on in a garden along Michigan Avenue. Dudes with dreads were waving a big black flag around. I have no idea what it means or represents. Are they stoned pirates, white skinned Black Panthers, or anarchists who smoke drugs? I couldn't tell and didn't get a picture of them. Whoever they are, I probably don't cotton to their nihilistic bike messenger ideology, and I hope an Obama victory doesn't embolden them. We must end the scourge of honkey dreads.

This guy came up to me and said, "Take my picture, man!" So I said, "Okee-dokee." He was overjoyed.



I turned into the park, only to spot theses two exhibitionists who were more than happy to pose for a picture.

Maybe my memory is fuzzy, but was Abraham Lincoln a squat faced, husky drifter with two black eyes? I forget. The other one has the right idea, though. She's purdy. Too purdy. She's hiding something.


When I finally got to Grant Park, I found it to be fenced off, forcing me to watch the Jumbotron with thousands of others who couldn't get in. This was actually pretty boring, and anti-climactic. There were 40 minutes of wandering before Obama gave his speech. People were standing on porta-potties, climbing trees, and even sitting on top of gazebos to try to catch a glimpse of the action inside Grant Park. A LOT of people were smoking dope and talking on their cell phones. But that speech was cool. Everyone got real quiet when he was talking, and roared when he said something uplifting or whatever. I wish I could have been inside the fence, but my journey was awesome anyway.

On the way back to the L, hordes of people filled the streets of downtown Chicago. You couldn't move, but the atmosphere was still very charged. People started getting tired, and then some cars rolled by honking their horns and everybody started getting psyched again. High fives all around, and more Obama chants.



I'm glad I went, and I'm glad Obama won. Relieved might be the more appropriate word, actually. I'm optimistic, sure, but not 6 hours after the election is officially over, I'm just happy to have it all wrapped up. Now I can focus on my other worries. Like finding the right table cloth for my wedding. And draping it over my wife's cage so she stops squawking.

Pssssst! Hey, Jesse Jackson!

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ANTI-SEMITIC PIECE OF RANCID LABIA MEAT!

Here's what he said. He essentially inferred that Barack Obama would change U.S. policy on Israel, ridding the United States from years of "Zionist" control. What a mensch, that Mr. Jackson is.



Do you know how easy it is to scare old Jewish people? Just go to a Jewish retirement home, and tell a group of them that you'd like to take them on a magical train ride. See how they react.

These people are the most paranoid, read between the lines conspiracy theorists out there. And like a lot of old people in America, they are stubborn and a little racist. Give them half a reason to be scared and they will be. Black guy? Rumors that he's a Muslim? Ahhhh!!! All Bubbies report to the bomb shelter!!!

If you put a newspaper in front of them with the headline "Free Money for All Seniors" across the top, they'd say, "Bullshit! Those Palestinians and Germans don't have me fooled. The money is poisoned somehow. And these bagels are lousy! Marry a nice Jewish girl already so you can be like us... miserable."

Any waves you make regarding Israel, real or fake, will set off their Hebrometers. Florida is a swing state filled to capacity with old Jews. Why would you want to hand that state over to McCain because of rumors, rather than help a fellow black man who shares a lot of your political viewpoints, Mr. Jackson? Go push a rainbow, asshole.

But there is an outside chance that he did not actually say the remarks attributed to him. It was the New York Post that quoted Jackson. Not a very reputable newspaper, and very right wing (notice the Jewish conspiracy gene working). But Jesse Jackson isn't exactly a person who should get the benefit of the doubt, as he has a history of insensitive remarks against Jews :


Also this. Remember when he said that he wanted to cut Obama's nuts off? Class-act. The Obama camp didn't ask Jackson for help with their campaign, therefore he chooses to act like a spiteful child who was denied a fucking Bomb Pop.




And who could forget that in 1984, he referred to New York City as "Hymie-town". Hymie being a derogatory term for a Jew. It's derived from the stereotypical Jewish name Hyman (originally Chaim), commonly shortened to Hymie. You might remember the fictional Jewish gangster Hyman Roth from Godfather II. The slur Hymie shares its origin with the Irish Mick or Paddy, all of which descend from popular names.


So, Reverend Jesse Jackson. It's time for you to stop talking. Take a vow of silence, write a book, or eat some yogurt while taking a bath. Just go away for a few weeks, because old Jews don't need to be frightened any more than they are already. That shit trickles down to their grandkids, including me, who are exposed to enough shame and fear as it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got my hands full at the moment. I'm building a car that runs on Jewish guilt. An endless, renewable energy.

Shalom, bitch.

Thoughts on McCain From a Washington Outsider

Watched the debate the other night. This is what happened...

John McCain looked uncomfortable. Barack Obama looked like he was coolly waiting for his turn in a billiards tournament.



Tom Brokaw looks and sounds like Admiral Akbar

(Big ups to Stacy for uncovering the truth)


McCain makes it too easy for everybody (including me) to have a shot at him. What with his forced laughter, raging contempt for Obama, and neck skin that sags like a scrotum over his shirt collar. He represents the "old men that give out raisins on Halloween" demographic, which I normally identify with, but for president? No fucking way!

I like my old people staring plaintively out the window, complaining about the dirty forks at IHOP, glued to the Weather Channel even though they don't go outside, shuffling around the retirement home in a bathrobe, having cane fights, and ruining three dollar matinées for Kid Douche by coughing and grunting every ten seconds. Thank you very much.

McCain mistook Go-Gurt for a microphone at a recent rally. How is this furiously confused man going to act if he becomes president?




Also, muffucka looks like Mr. Burns






Abe "Grandpa" Simpson, too



And Cindy McCain's eyes. Jeeezus!



Imagine having sex with her. If she looks into your eyes when you're making sweet love, game over. Boner gone. You'd have to have do it in the dark, every time. That's a real turn-off, if you ask me.



It's pretty obvious who I'm voting for. But the race would be a little closer if McCain and his campaign team weren't so inept. I mean, Sarah Palin? Really? It's almost embarrassing.

The McCain that I liked in 2000 is gone. Whether he sold his soul for a shot at winning his coveted prize or just went bonkers isn't clear. You can check out his alarming change of heart in a series of articles that Chris Jones did for Esquire. He's had unlimited access to McCain since 2006, and the articles are fascinating. Sad, too. You can read part 1 here. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.


Don't worry, no more political blogs until after the election, I promise.

This is what you really came here for, isn't it?

Howard The Duck Has Ruined My Fucking Life

Until recently, I've been trying to decipher Masonic codes hidden within Howard The Duck.


Today, the sanctity of my home was tarnished by these fiends. My life's work has been seen by the eyes of evil. Aware of my plot, they will stop at nothing at all to stop me at all.



They fear I will expose Howard's lies and hidden cryptograms.


So, I heard Neil Diamond is going on tour with Cephalic Carnage. Is that even a fucking joke?


So, recently I've noticed my agoraphobic tendencies seem to be getting worse.


Minnie Mouse knew my pain, because she suffered, too. I live in total fear of most of humanity. The sweating herds strike fear at me even as I gaze out the window from the safety of my home.
I don't get it, really. Living in fear is a total blast and all. and I'm completely aware of how ridiculous it is. Life isn't Mean Girls. Her shirt should say "Rebellious Hope".





Excuse me while I ponder and eat this pirogi. It helps me forget I'm afraid at everything scared.
I paused in writing this to Google hope, and I found out where I'm moving to.


New topic...

I was going to write a fake interview for Obama and McCain. Then I actually thought about how fucking stupid that idea is. The quip that got me thinking about that started with some interview (Rolling Stone, I believe) that listed Obama's favorite music.

"Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder,
Johann Sebastian Bach (cello suites), and The Fugees"

I mean, really? Can you be more generic? Why doesn't he just say "I'M FUCKING BORING". I mean, slip SkrewDriver or Fuck On The Beach in there just to shake things up. Something!

I'm voting for Grindcore in '08


Naturally my idea was to make that question interesting. Something like:

Me: Senator Obama, so we can get to know you better, what kind of music do you like?

Senator Obama: Well, since the mid-eighties post Motorhead thrash movement, I've been really into that style. It gets me pumped for speeches or having wild monkey sex with various indigenous peoples of this great country. You see, Dan, this isn't all that funny. Sure, we're juxtaposing cultural references with nods to metal dork lingo. Great. I mean, I get it. Oh, hardy fucking har! I, the god-damned shining star for this piss-hole country, likes metal. Get a degree, sir.

Vote for me or its all downhill, America. I'm talking total cultural meltdown. Lord of Flies ain't no joke, bitches.

Me: Thanks for berating me imagination.




ITS IMAGINATION NATION TIME:

Imagine a world where one never has to be without a javelin. Hear me out before you consider this insanity. I know it sounds odd. Admittedly, its for one single reason; so I can ask someone.
It deserves it's own line.

"You need a javelin?"

BEAUTEOUS WONDER! I'm sure with every utterance the gods sing! Even the Cain to its Abel, "Would you please hand me my javelin?" still has that ring of joy. I only wish upon everyone the happiness I now have. I'm still taking Zoloft though.


We're all one goats away from madness. It's sort of beautiful that a handful of kilobytes can slowly bring the masses to insanity. Kind of like In The Mouth Of Madness, with more buttholes.

Oh god, I'm actually posting the word butthole. Twice. I always try to pretend like I'm some kind of genius at using filth. As if placing the word "fuck" by a huge word makes it somehow better. The truth is revealed, my maturity is little more than a 5th grader who reads sometimes. Awesome.


Fuck. Yes.


Serious music review time.

Chihei Hatakeyama

Minima Moralia


Amazing minimal drone. Kind of gauzes your ears from life's pain. If butterflies made sounds, it would be his music. I'll keep this short. PEACE

-Monty's Baseball Soup