An Open Letter To My Friend Rob S. (Top 5 Ways to Cheer Up in 2013)

Hey Buddy Bud,

Sorry to hear about this being the worst year of your life so far. I wish I could say it came as a surprise to hear it, but judging from the tone of the emails I got from you this year, it's pretty clear that you're all depressed and shit. So I decided to provide a list of things for you to do that will surely cheer you up in 2013... 

1. Get your fuck on. It doesn't matter with who, or with what, or if they happen to be Cuban, just stick your dick inside them. They'll get a kick out of it, too.



2. Murder! Stab somebody, preferably a Cuban. But do it in the dark so no one's the wiser.
 
3. Take psychedelic drugs. Even if you have a bad trip, which is unlikely, you'll have a story to tell and something real to be scared of. But mostly, drugs help you do a figurative zoom out on Google maps, and make you realize that you're just a guy in a house, amongst other people in other houses. This will help you feel less alone, because you'll realize that everyone's alone, except for Cubans, who are filled with life and must be murdered.




4. Get a dog. Name him Grampler. Feed him pennies.

5. Pick a fight with an animal at the zoo. I suggest a tortoise. Those leafy-green vegetable eating fucks make the perfect enemy because they're slow, you always know exactly where they are, and they don't have a decent attack. They can't fight back!

Go to Mr. Tortoise's habitat and stare him down. When your gaze is met, chuck a fire cracker at him and yell, "Stay away from my wife!". Don't worry, that armored bastard can handle it. When you get kicked out of the zoo, tell the security guard about how the tortoise got what was coming. And now that you've been blacklisted from the zoo, spread the word and watch the pussy roll in! Women love a dangerous man who breaks the rules and isn't allowed at the zoo.

Life is better when you have enemies, and the best enemies are the ones kept in cages. You hold the advantage 100% of the time!





Well, I hope some of these suggestions are helpful, and I wish you a very happy new year, filled with infinite possibilities. Go forth and be the horrible beast of a human you know you can be. 

Best,
Kid Douche

Impregnate All Them Nuns

Been watching too much TV lately. Political shows reinforcing my beliefs, never expanding. Cartoons overloading my senses. Chicago Cubs team that shows no heart. Gave True Blood a chance. First four episodes are 95% shit. Not gonna watch it anymore. Short sentences becoming pretentious.




No more clothes for me. Too much maintenance. No more showers. Too wet. Stomach-aches gone when I get doctors to take belly away and pass into non-eating dimension. Heaven is no body maintenance. No pee. No shit. No shower. No shave. No teeth. No eat. No drink. Heaven doesn't exist. Oh well.

Sadder Day

Today, I was visited by an old acquaintance of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. I call him Depression Toad.


Up until a few weeks ago, I hadn't felt his presence in months. I had problems, sure, but nothing that couldn't be defeated with Internet porn, taking a walk while listening to music, reading magazines while drinking coffee, or thinking about Ol' Dirty Bastard.



Then, my Zayde passed away. My enthusiasm for life, this blog, getting a job, and personal relationships greatly waned. I don't know if it was seeing my Bubbie in tears or lack of sleep coupled with the stress that week, but my general attitude changed. I was on a pretty good roll for a few months there, even after some invasive procedures into my stomach and teeth. But those three days in Toronto killed it.

When I got back, I decided that I needed new furniture, and spent too much time on craigslist procuring new items. I made new business cards. I got weirder with this blog. I did everything but sit down and talk about my shit to someone who cares enough about me to listen without passing judgment.

I realize now that I was just trying to keep myself busy, because I already knew that I had lost a step, and wanted desperately to keep rolling on as if nothing had changed. This faulty behavioral path backfired, obviously.

And today was a wakeup call. I got up after 11 hours of sleep, drank some coffee, felt horrible, took a nap, woke up, felt like compressed gray gloom, got invited out to a bar by a friend, declined, felt guilty, ate some food, and here we are.

The good thing is that I realize what I must do to pull out of this tailspin, and I will. But today reminded me of bleak Chicago winters, especially last winter, when everybody feels the way I did today; alone, tired, irritable, not wanting to go out, and having to psyche yourself up to get up and go to the bathroom or make something to eat.

I truly fear those winter days, because I need a little help from somebody who cares during those times. But it's hard to get together, as people are reticent to do anything outside their comfortably heated apartments, and they probably feel like shit as well. I'm not good on the phone, so I need to meet up with someone in person. But it takes a reason or a gimmick to get someone to come out of the house when it's 14 degrees outside and the sun was last seen with its father, Gilberto Hernandez, last November (missing children jokes are hilarious, right?). God, Jesus, Allah, and Buddha, I hate the fucking winter!

But maybe that's what this blog is for, on certain occasions. Letting off some steam so my pipes don't burst. Shifting the burden of sadness from me onto you. I hope my wretched rant wasn't too much, and if you've gotten this far, thanks for reading. I feel better already.

What do you say, Depression Toad?

Root of All Evil

Take 1: My face is more numb than my dick after a fuckfest.

Take 2: My face is more numb than the emotional core of a father whose only daughter drowned in quicksand on her wedding night.


Take 3: My face is more numb than a guy who had 3 billion cc's of Novocaine shot into his face.


My root canal procedure went off without a hitch, and I am relieved. I had no idea how a root canal was done before today, but now I know way too much about it. And I owe it all to my unflappable endodontist. I'd like to give a shout out to Dr. Woolman for doing such a great job. Buk Buk Buk!!! Homeboy was so professional and collected, he reminded me of Mr. Wolf from Pulp Fiction.

Harvey Keitel as Señor Lobo



And dude talked about as fast and constantly as Mr. Wolf, too. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he didn't stop talking throughout the whole 40 minute procedure. He was telling me what I could and couldn't do for the next few days, what tools he was using, what kind of crap he was shooting into my tooth hole, potential hazards of chewing with the tooth, how to gamble with dreidels (always bet on Gimel), how he pushed his wife down the stairs and how it'll be our little secret, and some other things of which I don't remember.

So the nerve tissue in my front tooth is completely gutted, and I'm cool with it. At least I don't feel like I'm giving birth through my gums anymore. I got the nerve fetus aborted during the second trimester, which is the best of the 7 trimesters. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.


Now I'm going to take a nap and dream of my childhood friend, Randy...

My Mustache is Numb

True Story Time!

What a fucking day! I get up early at around 10(early for me, and for the United Unemployed Local 72), so I can drink coffee, shit, shower, and watch the second half of Ronin before having my mouth explored and drilled for blood diamonds.

This scene with Michael Lonsdale weaving a tale about lost samurai warriors while painting miniature ronin is nearly perfect, and in an action-oriented film, no less.


So it starts to rain and I'm late for the dentist. This is nothing new, as I'll probably be late for my own funeral. You can all relate, I'm sure. Being on time is weird to me. I'm a free spirit, man, so don't harsh my vibes, capeesh?



So back at the dentist. X-rays show cavities in my front teeth. No shit doc, thats why they hurt, so fix them shits. I get numbed up and he starts drilling, and as soon as the drill hits the tooth a shooting pain grabs hold and I yelp and squirm. Not a good sign. More Novocaine is injected into the roof of mein mouth, making my face numb, from the front teeth to the inside of my nose.

An hour has passed. Dr. Dentist starts drilling again. Again the shooting pain rapes my face with awe inspiring agony. Dentist looks around awkwardly and leaves. He comes back 5 minutes later and tells me that I need a root canal. MOTHERFUCKING COCKSHIT PISSLIPS!!!


I got referred to a root canal specialist, and I'm getting it done at 10:15am tomorrow (today).

The drive back to the city was not pleasant. My face was numb without purpose. My lips were plumped to L.A. housewife proportions. I felt like a lonely knight without a dragon to slay. I felt like my metaphors didn't fit my situation.

And yet...the day was not over. I felt a glimmer of hope that the day wasn't in tatters. It was only 4pm, so I went to a diner with my friend Sierra, and tried to approximate a chewing motion on a turkey club. Not completely unsuccessful, but there was bread everywhere.


From there, we hung out at her place. An hour passed and the sky darkened unnaturally. I got a call from my mom telling me to stay inside because a huge storm was rolling through. She was right. It was the gnarliest lighting storm in years, with full-blown bolts touching down everywhere.


Sierra took some eerie pictures, and if the camera had night vision, it would look like CNN footage from Iraq or any other city where hell hath taken over the night sky. Windy, apocalyptic storm shaking the ground was way cool. Probably not so cool for the homeless, but I'm not them, so who cares? (I kid, I kid...maybe)

Haw Haw!

(via English Russia)

After the worst of the storms passed, Sierra and I thought it would be a capital idea to prank call people we know using the computer text speech function on her computer. We used each other's phones so people wouldn't recognize who was calling. Remember doing shit like that when you were a kid? Well, it's just as fun now as it was back then. I gotta remember to do shit like that more often.

And that was my day. Half good, and half bad.


Now if you don't mind, I have a root canal in the morning and need some shuteye.

Friday Smorgasbord

My front teeth really hurt right now because I have cavities from eating Jolly Ranchers and other sweet shit all the time. I'm going to see the dentist tomorrow, and hopefully he can get rid of my throbbing face pain. Has anybody ever tried Anbesol or Orajel? Well I just got some and that shit is powerful! It contains benzocaine, a local anesthetic, so you could numb your whole face no problem. You could also put it all over your hand and give somebody a high five. Or you could high five a bee hive.

Anyway, it happens to be Friday, which means random imagery for all to enjoy.

Chef Guevara

(via Scuzzo)


All Loops All The Time, Motherfuckers!!!



(via Dada Kingz)




(via growabrain)






(via Dada Kingz)


(via growabrain)


(Dada Kingz yet again)












"The horror...the horror..."