Root of All Evil

Take 1: My face is more numb than my dick after a fuckfest.

Take 2: My face is more numb than the emotional core of a father whose only daughter drowned in quicksand on her wedding night.


Take 3: My face is more numb than a guy who had 3 billion cc's of Novocaine shot into his face.


My root canal procedure went off without a hitch, and I am relieved. I had no idea how a root canal was done before today, but now I know way too much about it. And I owe it all to my unflappable endodontist. I'd like to give a shout out to Dr. Woolman for doing such a great job. Buk Buk Buk!!! Homeboy was so professional and collected, he reminded me of Mr. Wolf from Pulp Fiction.

Harvey Keitel as Señor Lobo



And dude talked about as fast and constantly as Mr. Wolf, too. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he didn't stop talking throughout the whole 40 minute procedure. He was telling me what I could and couldn't do for the next few days, what tools he was using, what kind of crap he was shooting into my tooth hole, potential hazards of chewing with the tooth, how to gamble with dreidels (always bet on Gimel), how he pushed his wife down the stairs and how it'll be our little secret, and some other things of which I don't remember.

So the nerve tissue in my front tooth is completely gutted, and I'm cool with it. At least I don't feel like I'm giving birth through my gums anymore. I got the nerve fetus aborted during the second trimester, which is the best of the 7 trimesters. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.


Now I'm going to take a nap and dream of my childhood friend, Randy...