Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Work That Forehead

I possess an endless love unknown to most people. And I could be giving that love unconditionally to someone right now. But nobody asks. So, I'm forced to focus this cask strength love on myself. I wish this wasn't the case. I'm too good for me. You should see the cakes and lavish breakfasts I've made for myself. And all the flowers and jewelry I've received over the years. From me.

All because nobody has ever come up to me and straight up asked, "Will you love me?"

Never happened. I'd fucking do it, too. If you see me on the street, simply request my love and it shall be yours. Seriously. My kisses will rain upon you like your own private waterfall. But you won't drown. Oh, no. I'll make sure you take a big breath every 20 to 30 seconds, ensuring your survival. Because I love you, baby.

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I'll buy you camping equipment. We'll go camping and shit. I like ghost stories, so we'll take turns telling them. Then we'll get creeped out and run to the tent really fast and hide in our queen sized sleeping bag. Then we'll giggle and start making out. 20 minutes into making out, I'll show you my boner, and you will scream, because there is a knife where my penis should be. Then I'll stab you with my crotch blade. Then you'll understand that my love is reserved only for me. Always. Mine.

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2 comments:

Pancake Master said...

This otherwise epic post is made about three hundred times more epic by inclusion of a still from SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES. An oddly appropriate (as always) one.

Anonymous said...

true love is real..and one day your going to meet the right girl...the girl who has an industrial-grade Ronco-Knife-Sharpener where her crotch should be...and when that day comes...your blood curdling knife boner with turn back into a real boner...but she will still have a knife sharpener for a vagina...and then you'll realize true cost of love

-Mahatma Ghandi