Thursday, November 13, 2008

Jim Cramer's Woe Scope

Jim "Mad Money" Cramer, financial expert, was on Conan the other day. Here's his solution to the housing crisis...

"FDR was a pig killer?!"
"Yes he was!"

I've found my calling. I am sending multiple applications and resumes to Jim Cramer with the intent of joining his wandering torch squad. My name will undoubtedly be added to a government blacklist just for applying, but fuck it. Sometimes you have to gamble when your dream hangs in the balance. And if I'm not accepted, I'll freelance. Emphasis on the free.

You don't even know how many times I've thought about setting Tampa Bay on fire from a helicopter. My favorite movie character is the flame thrower wielding Fireball from The Running Man. Jim Brown's best role.

Side story, true story... During our freshman year of college, me and Sugaragus broke into our friend Ben Brockman's dorm room via the window. He was out with his girlfriend for the night. We watched The Running Man on his TV and stole 4 beers out of his mini-fridge (the beer was Natural Light, is that still considered stealing?). After the movie was over, we left through his front door, all casual. I never told him about it, and he never mentioned the missing beers. The funny thing is that I had a TV and some beer in my dorm anyway. We just thought it would be funny, and it was. Sorry, Ben.

Back to my torch brigade ambitions...

Hell, I don't even need to get paid, just the health benefits, thank you. Smoke inhalation is a bitch, and skin grafts don't grow on trees.

My only concern is that when the ashes settle in the burn zone, and I'm sent back home, maybe I won't be the same guy. Like a returning war vet, I'd be itching for more action, something only my inferno brothers would understand.

I'd get real quiet when birthday candles were lit. I'd stop conversations mid sentence and say, "It smells like kerosene in here. Do you smell kerosene?" I'd fly off the handle at the slightest provocation, go missing for days, and come back with dirt and blood caked upon my clothes. When my fiancé asks me where I've been, I'd respond in a low, even tone, "I've been at the library."

Seriously though, I remember when my friends discovered Mad Money during the winter of 2006. Monty, Kellie, Lee, Erik, Lindsay, (regrettably) Steev, and I used to gather round the TV with various intoxicants and watch Jim Cramer do his maniacal thing. He was throwing chairs and had a sound effect button for each emotion he felt. All 20 of them. It was inspiring to see such passion wildly directed at the stock market. And hilarious. But a 5 day a week show loses its novelty pretty fast, and about 3 weeks in, our gang broke up with Mad Money. Mr. Cramer was devastated.

Getting back to the people I mentioned above. That 1 year period was the most fun I've ever had in my life, and it was over too soon (I know, I'm cornballin' out right now). And it will never be the same because time pulls people apart. Couples break up, alliances fade, friends move away. I have fond memories of that era, but the fact that they are just memories is a bummer. For the past 3 years, I've been chasing the high of being with all my friends at once. That probably explains a lot.

But, I went to a pot luck dinner tonight and it was great. I felt sort of like I did back then. This is very encouraging. I hope the good vibes continue.


Joshua Bloodgin said...

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kitanas and pilsner listservs

Kid Douche said...

10-4, good buddy.

Joshua Bloodgin said...

What I mean to say is: scimitar

Anonymous said...

The good vibes will continue next Wednesday, same time same place. Hopefully quieter. Make sure Lee has his beans done before 10. By the way, those beanz were delicious.

Anonymous said...

Also: The Wire, motherfucks.