Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Fantastic Voyage to Bummer Town

True/personal story and depressed misanthropic rant time! This type of post shall hereby be called Tales From the Nest of Grump, or just The Nest of Grump. I haven't decided yet.

I'm gonna try to write what I'm feeling as I feel it because I'm losing it fast. I'm a moody fucker and I never know when I might lose my nerve and let my thoughts fade into the night unreported. But I'm in a peculiar way right now, and I sense that I really need to write what's inside my head, however fleeting the sentiment is.

I saw AA Bondy tonight. Just him, his guitar, and his harmonica. It was one of the most intimate and memorable performances I've ever witnessed. He just poured his heart out and was completely humble and gracious. In my opinion, talent and modesty are the best traits one can possess. Here he is, doing his thing backstage in Nashville, again.

Sometimes my edges are softened by an experience and I rethink my basic assumption that people are untrustworthy and obnoxious. On this night, I would experience a denial and then a confirmation of that assumption... foreshadow!

Earlier in the evening, I was complaining to my friend about this and that. It's too cold, that guy sucks, I'm cold, being Jewish sucks, etc. When we got into the bar/venue, I heard people talking and saw people texting and just wanted to knife everyone in the place. Instead of homicide, I grabbed a seat closer to the stage, and found that the people there were more receptive and kind. The scene up front was generating a positive tone.

Then he started playing. His damaged and one of a kind voice shut everybody the fuck up. It was beautiful. And I realized that all was not bad in the world. For that one hour, I felt like I was a part of something, not just an individual. All my crankiness went away, and a big grin took over my face. This is what I need. This is what everyone needs. All my troubles vanished, and I focused on how great it was to be here, right now. I walked up to AA after the show and told him that he really made my day, which had been gray until he played. He shook my hand.

And after the show, I was feeling the afterglow.

My friend and I were talking as I drove her home, and she covertly brought up the fact that I don't have a job. I say covertly because she just kind of casually said shit like, "Some of us have jobs" and "Well, you don't have to wake up early, anyway" in between whatever she was talking about. And instantly, instantly, I felt like shit again. I felt like a sucker for thinking that anything had changed in the world. Not 15 minutes after an amazing show, the winter nothingness punched me in the stomach and assertively said, "Existence is pain, motherfucker!"

I don't brag about being unemployed. Her remarks were independent of my actions. Plain-old homegrown insensitivity.

And my good natured feelings towards people turned sour. And the respect for my friend was gone. If she wants to act like she's above me because she has a job, fine. I'm never speaking to her again. She was a new acquaintance, only hung out a few times, but fuck anybody who inserts disdain into a conversation and acts like it's nothing. Friendship over.

And here I am, lonely as hell in my cold apartment. It's 36 degrees outside. And I want to believe that people aren't shitty and judgmental, but until I'm proven wrong, I'll stick to my 5 or 6 tried and true friends, even though half of them live elsewhere. People that just want to get together and do whatever. Talk about whatever. Sincere friends.

I was so happy after the show, and then I was reminded of how cruel personal relationships can be, even passing ones. I've been treated poorly by too many people to make the full effort anymore. That's sad. And it makes me think about previous friends who didn't have my back, and the moments in time burned in my mind when I realized they were not on my side. And it breaks my heart.


Janet said...

don't get down too much kid douche, i love you

Pancake Master said...

Aww man we are gonna rock on Friday

Joshua Bloodgin said...

as I drink my favorite gross energy soda and try to hype myself up into frenzy to prepare fore a job interview and pretend like I glove a duck about what it is I shall convince the prospective employer I can do for him so well...I am reminded that I miss you and we gotta bust some strait up mutherfukra shit during thanksgivin

mike said...

good to know i'm not the only one feeling like like a used tire with a slow leak (forgive me for co-opting your sadness)

Scotch and Salad said...

woke up just as the sun was coming up today. cta was not on time (as usual) so had to take a cab to millenium station. didn't have time to grab a ticket before hopping on the metra so had to pay an extra two bucks on top of the cab fare and wasted cta fare. spent the rest of the day on just a couple hours of sleep, little kids screaming in my ear, wishing i was snuggled up in bed only waking up occasionally to grab a beer and play a few hands of internet poker. walked home in cold rain knowing that i had spent another day pissing my life away. no job? you're on the right track kid douche.

Kid Douche said...

Guys and gal,

Thanks for the encouragement and sympathy from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate it like you wouldn't believe.

It's oddly reassuring to know that a bunch of sad sacks enjoy my blog. Thanks for the love.